To the dogs

When the people fell, they looked to her like little specks of dirt upon a monitor. They looked small and round and very dark. Charlotte thought of words like moss, and bracken and heather.

The sky was a pale blue green. It looked, Adam thought, like the bottom of a pond. Not a lake, but a pond. He drank coffee by the window. He stood over the radiator, the hot air blowing up his shirt, and he thought about Marilyn Monroe. Charlotte slept in the next room. She kicked in her sleep and turned violently around. She was unhappy when sleeping and often broke out into fits of crying. She referred to these, as her troubles. Adam worried about her, and held her even tighter when she felt lost.

When he got dressed in the morning darkness, the flashlight on his phone fading, the cold would keep him moving. Adam felt as if he was cold all the time, right from the moment he woke up. Shivers ran through his body and anxiety gripped him that it was symptomatic of something else, bigger and more deadly. He drank his coffee by the window and tried to feel less cold and less tired and less anxious about the part of the world in which he and Charlotte still lived. Then, he dressed in many layers of clothing and walked off to work.

Charlotte often dreamt about couples that formed suicide packs. They jumped off of rocky cliffs together. Sometimes it had been agreed upon beforehand. Other times, one jumped and the other, not knowing what to do, followed them. Nobody ever screamed in these dreams, and Charlotte didn’t know if it was because they were calm, or because she was always watching from very far away. When the people fell, they looked to her like little specks of dirt upon a monitor. They looked small and round and very dark. The landscape in the dreams was always barren and windswept. Charlotte thought of words like moss, and bracken and heather. Had she liked reading English Victorian novels, she might have thought that she had stolen a lot from them. But instead she preferred films based upon English Victorian novels and so still felt ashamed and embarrassed that so much of her dreamscapes scenery was plagiarised from movies that she’d watched knowing that they were shitty.

She read advertisements about when to plant tulips, and how to save 35% off dinners for two. Then she heard a person screaming outside and so lay under the sofa and cried.

There had been an increasing number of feral dogs, roaming the streets in packs. The dogs looked menacing and starved. They had ribs, heavy tongues and wide, searching eyes. The fur on the dogs was long and mangy. To Adam, they no longer resembled dogs, but now looked like wolves again. When they first became to accumulate, commuters fed the dogs. They thought they might be hungry, and so bought an additional croissant from the Tesco Express in the morning and broke the pastry into buttery pieces on the floor. Then the dogs started to attack people, and now nobody fed them. Nobody tried fighting off the dogs. Adam had watched once as a man dressed in a long winter jacket jabbed at them with the end of a golf umbrella, but the dogs slowly surrounded him and so the man gave up and lay down and was soon gone. Instead, people walked to work and hoped that today wasn’t going to be the day that the dogs attacked them. And when it wasn’t, they were momentarily glad.

When Adam left for work, Charlotte got up and bolted the locks on the doors. The locks were cheap and fairly useless, but she felt better knowing that they were on. She re-plastered the windows with newspaper that had fallen off during the night. She read from the paper as she stuck it back on the glass. She read advertisements about when to plant tulips, and how to save 35% off dinners for two. Then she heard a person screaming outside and so lay under the sofa and cried. She lifted her clothes up to her nose. Everything smelt of dust, and made her feel old.

At his desk, Adam forwarded emails that badgered people for financial records, and monthly predictions. He asked them to anticipate, to predict growth. He used expressions like “best practice” and “going forward.” He splayed his hands across the keyboard and made large exaggerating typing sounds. He wrote rows of nonsensical gibberish, then looked up and shooed a raven off his desk. Even with diligently keeping all of the windows closed and guarding the door, the birds managed somehow to get in and so people had come to largely ignore them. They speculated that as all of the leaves outside had disappeared, and the trees seemed unable to grow any more, the birds had seen the plastic plants inside buildings and decided they wanted to live inside instead. But there was no food for them and one by one most of the birds died. Trying to use the photocopier, people nudged them out of their way on the floor. The bird’s bodies lay there, bloated and fat. Their feathers stuck out like Mohawks. Sometimes, if a co-worker was having a bad day, they would kick one of the dead birds like a football, and it would explode and leave a terrible smell. But nobody cared about the smell. They focused instead on quarterly reports.

The smoke from the fire made his lungs hurt, and sometimes he would find himself laying on the floor, having slept, or fallen unconscious.

Charlotte boiled water, making it safe to drink. She pulled large sections of the plaster wall away with her hands. The plaster was rotten and came away like wet paper. She broke through the wall and climbed next door, where her neighbour was curled up on the sofa.

“I like to sleep there too,” Charlotte said.

“Shouldn’t you be somewhere else?” her neighbour asked.

“Do you have any food?”

“I don’t think Henry’s coming back. Henry used to be my husband. Are you married?”

“You’re sweet,” Charlotte said, “I don’t really care.”

She held the neighbour woman like a baby across her chest, and dug her fingers roughly in between her ribs.

“shhh” Charlotte said.

“You’re hurting me,”

“No I’m not.”

Charlotte cradled the woman, and rocked her slowly back and forth. She listened outside to what sounded like a building burning down, and wondered why it was that she couldn’t see billowing smoke. After an hour had passed, the woman lay cold in her arms. Charlotte stood up, and buried her neighbour under the sofa cushions, leaving one of her arms exposed.lewis_manchu_03

Adam came home and the two of them prepared dinner together. They selected a ready meal for two, . They waited for the oven to heat up the room, and then ate sitting together.

“It’s still getting colder,” Charlotte said.

“Does it matter?”

“Not really.”

Adam dug out a small piece of what felt like lamb and fed it to Charlotte from the end of his fork.

“I think it’s really endearing that we’re both still here,” he said, “I know that you want to, but lets not die together. I want one of us to burry the other. I don’t want us both to go to the dogs.”

“But they’ll get the second one,” she said.

Adam smiled, then leaned over the table and kissed her.

“I’ll let you go first,” he said.

“I love you” Charlotte replied.

Charlotte cleared the table, while Adam searched online to see which websites had been updated. They watched a video diary from Quebec. The videos ran from August until March and then stopped. After that there were no more.

“Maybe she got bored,” Charlotte said.

“It must be cold in Quebec, colder” Adam replied.

In bed, the two of them wrapped tightly around one another. Gradually, they lost the feeling in their arms, but felt better being pressed together. When the sounds of large animals passed by the window, Adam held his breath and tired to silence the sounds Charlotte made when she was sleeping. When she started to cry, Adam knew that her dream was over and another Victorian couple had thrown themselves from off a cliff onto the rocks.

When there was no electricity for the radiator anymore, Adam burnt small piles of newspaper in the morning. The smoke from the fire made his lungs hurt, and sometimes he would find himself laying on the floor, having slept, or fallen unconscious. He left Charlotte sleeping in the morning and walked to work. In the supermarket the shelves were mostly empty, expect for spaces cleared out by the mothers who tried to hide their children there, thinking it was safer from the dogs. Adam found a tin of sugar at work in the staff canteen and licked his fingers. He rolled them around in the communal sugar and sucked them. He poured streams of the white sugar into his pocket, and then hid in the corner when he heard two of his co-workers fighting. When he left the canteen to return to his desk, he stepped over the co-worker that had been left on the floor with the birds. He wrote a memo about overall corporate productivity, and then decided to go home, where he found Charlotte still sleeping.

The ground had been hard and frozen and impossible to break open. Behind their home, was a large, unlocked dumpster that was mostly unused. Across the street there had been a park named after the actor Hugo Weaving. The park had been turned into a campsite, where a makeshift wall had been erected, and for a week people sang campfire songs and seemed genuinely happy. Then people grew tired and lazy with keeping watch and soon the walls fell down and they left. Adam walked to work through the campsite and thought about the last time when he had last warm. “Hugo Weaving was sort of an interesting person,” the publicly paid for Hugo Weaving Memorial Park sign had read, “Why not build a park in his honour?” Someone had scratched something underneath. When Adam leaned in to try and read it, he realised that they hadn’t been trying to spell anything out, just hold onto something. Then, it grew dark and he realised that he hadn’t made it to work, but had been lying on the grass for the whole day.

At night, he couldn’t finish the made-for-two ready meal all by himself, and the cold, pre-cooked rice tasted hard and waxy. Adam left the box on the floor and rubbed out the last of the burning newspaper with his foot. The ink from the paper turned his toes blue. He climbed into bed and held himself closely, wrapped under the covers. Outside he heard the sounds of large and dangerous animals. Adam inhaled, feeling almost ready to shout. He sensed all around him, a world that was cold and incredibly dark.

Photo art by: Vincent Delbrouck & Lewis Manchu



Three Friday evenings simultaneously



In his ears, William had begun to experience a constant, distant ringing. Because it was so low in volume, he could ignore it most of the time and live a life not dissimilar to the one that he had before. It had not made his life any worse. It was also a quality that made him no more interesting or novel to talk to.

He drowned out the ringing by listening to podcasts via headphones whenever he was awake. He only downloaded podcasts that required minimal effort to listen to and didn’t particularly pay attention to what it was they were talking about. When that didn’t work he listened to experimental rap music. Then he listened to pure white noise.

William was struck by the underwhelming realisation that he would have to grow comfortable being alone forever, though he felt glad that this was a decision he no longer had to resign himself to thinking about.

William had a job in telemarketing like almost everyone else that he knew. He decided one day that it would make no real substantial difference to his performance at work whether he answered the incoming calls sitting upright or curled up in a ball underneath his desk and so he crawled under and continued to perform above the company standard.

He had since accepted that this would not be a job for life and secretly suspected that no such thing existed anymore. He had however realised that this job, should it be replaced, would be so with one almost exactly the same except for very small differences such as the brand of coffee that the office provided or the direction that he would be expected to face. Yet these very small and fractional changes worried William the most, for while he felt almost entirely disconnected with his co-workers and the company vision, he liked the assured nature of these minute consistencies of his day.

“Lets go hunt for a job for life” he once said to one of his co-workers, “perhaps shoot it in the face. If we can’t find one then we can declare them extinct and stop always having to worry about their existence.”

After listening very carefully to the sounds of the computers around him, William decided that the ringing in his ears was caused by being in close proximity to people, not machines. He started to mentally record the different frequencies that people gave off and noticed that there were several influencing factors. If the person was sleeping or resting, then the note was pitched lower, whereas if they were talking it was extremely high. It was the worst when other people were eating next to him. Then, it would become irritating and no amount of white noise would drown it out. But William liked to eat lunch alone in the stairwell where nobody could see him needing food, so this didn’t particularly bother him.

William became increasingly invested in the idea of buying a fish that could live and thrive in a very small tank in his kitchen next to the microwave. After work on Friday, he immediately found a pet store that was still open and purchased a fish. The fish was small but looked resilient as if made of out tiny slivers of titanium. He took the fish home and filled a glass bowl with water, then watched it for an unbeknownst length of time.

When eating his dinner, William realised that the fish was omitting itself a very tiny yet noticeable ringing, similar to all the rest of the people that day. It made him for a moment tremendously sad to think that the fish had chosen to be just like everybody else, and so he took it outside in its bowl, but remembering the promise that he had made to the girl at the pet store, he left change for the fish for the no.17 bus and walked back inside.

William was struck by the underwhelming realisation that he would have to grow comfortable being alone forever, though he felt glad that this was a decision he no longer had to resign himself to thinking about. He cleaned away the scraps of food from his plate and thought about falling asleep in front of his computer.

Xiao Jo.

Xiao Jo worked in her father’s Aquarium and Specialist Lizard Store each day after school, while she did her homework and let various animals out of their tanks. The store had originally only sold fish. Then her father ordered lizards that he kept in the unused fish tanks and added the words Lizard and Specialist to the sign on the front of the building. He bought snakes that only Xiao Jo liked. Then he bought six tarantulas that nobody wanted to buy so he drove them out to the countryside and released them. He thought they might be happy there, except for the one that he accidentally ran over while backing out from the field. He scraped up the flattened tarantula and not wanting to litter brought it home and left it in the kitchen under the sink where Xiao Jo found it and screamed.

When she was seven Xiao Jo had been allowed to choose her own English name and liked the way the sounds felt in her throat when she said the name Joe. Joe was both a boys and a girls name she had told her mother, who insisted she spell it Jo. Her father had been the first to start calling her Xiao Jo, or little Jo, which was fine because she was in reality very small.

Her father was never around when she looked after the shop in the evenings, so she liked to let several lizards out of their fish tanks to run across the ceiling. She would take out one of the two small turtles that never got sold and let it crawl across the counter. She would use the turtle to time how long it took her to solve the homework problem that she was trying to complete. This was how she measured time. She used one turtle for maths and the other for languages. She preferred the languages turtle because he was older and would often get tired and take breaks, and Xiao Jo hated all languages.

Once the show is over it won’t compare it’s own life to the lives of the fish on TV and feel disingenuous to its potential as a fish. It won’t in anyway thank you or be relieved.

When the man came in and asked to buy a fish, Xiao Jo asked him what kind of fish he wanted and the man said something about telemarketing and how essentially it was all just voices. She suggested that he buy a Gourami fish. Her father had bought too many of them and they were dying very rapidly in the tank. Every evening Xiao Jo had to scoop out the dead Gourami fish. She didn’t know where to put them, so she just threw them into the bushes outside. Instead of looking at the fish, the man stared at the reptiles and asked if people needed a licence to own one. Xiao Jo didn’t know the answer and so whenever she didn’t know the answer to a question she would give the same response.

“What do you think?”

“Why do people want to buy lizards?”

“To feed them mice. A lot of people hate mice. Mice are small and fragile and make terrible sounds if you hold them by their tails.”

“Are they dangerous?”

“No. But if your father catches you keeping a nest of mice in your drawer, then he will take them out and stamp on them and make you clean the dead bodies away.”



Xiao Jo had asked her father if she could be allowed not to sell fish or lizards or any other creatures to people that she instinctively distrusted on sight.

“I’d just like the fish,” he said and held out a note. Xiao Jo wanted to say that his eyes looked cold, but not cold like a fish eyes are cold. His eyes seemed to be screaming.

“Ok, but please don’t kill it,” she said. “It’s just a fish. It doesn’t get sad after watching TV shows about the lives of other fish. Once the show is over it won’t compare it’s own life to the lives of the fish on TV and feel disingenuous to its potential as a fish. It won’t in anyway thank you or be relieved if you kill it the way a terribly sad person might. It’s just a fish. Fish want to live and eat, but mostly live.”

“I won’t kill it.” The man said, and so Xiao Jo let him buy it. He took the fish away in a small bowl of water, because Xiao Jo’s father distrusted clear plastic bags.


Gourami was a Gourami fish, and hadn’t considered having a different name to the other Gourami fish that he lived with because they didn’t talk much and even then never used personal terms.

That it was a Friday afternoon didn’t concern or interest the Gourami fish. Its tank had been transparent and made luminous via glow lights underneath. Had the tank been larger, the Gourami fish might have liked living in it. Because it was however very small and confined, the Gourami fish too felt confined and didn’t particularly like where it was living, but didn’t have the incentive or the internet to brose popular room share websites.

That the Gourami fish had no real concept of its mother and father to speak of meant that it also carried with it no filial anxieties or loosely Freudian desire to blame its current unhappiness on its upbringing or how its parents have chosen to raise it. The Gourami fish also did not suffer from issues of sibling rivalry. While it made many brothers and sisters, it didn’t identify with them any more than all of the other stranger fish that just might happen to be living in the same tank. The Gourami fish was very capable of not thinking about all the other fish in its life from the moment that they were no longer in it and because it this, the Gourami fish lived a mostly emotionally peaceful life with very little competitive distress.

When placed in a larger bowl in the kitchen, the fish noticed a man staring into the bowl with very wide, dark eyes. The man’s eyes grew and shifted, dome and plate-like but they always remained lifelessly cold. The Gourami fish did not know what the man was looking for in the bowl and so could not help him to find it. When the man was gone, the Gourami fish looked for food, and when the man came back the Gourami fish ate food and was glad.

When the Gourami fish was taken outside to a colder place, the new glass bowl set down near the road, it became aware of the temperature outside of the water and was less happy. Though he had been given the correct change for the No.17 bus, the Gourami fish had no particular place to go, nor friends to see. It wasn’t lonely; it just hadn’t made time to develop friendships in this area. The Gourami fish didn’t particularly want to catch the No.17 bus, but had the exact change to do so, and wasn’t sure what else it should do with the money. It had wanted to discuss the possibilities with other Gourami fish, but was alone in the bowl and so decided to do nothing. It waited for the bus, trying to remember anything particularly memorable about where it had been before, but it could not.



Featured artist  Daniel Seagrove 

James Kramer in Your Impossible Voice

The short story “Kirjaimellisesti” by James Kramer has been featured in the 2018 winter Screen Shot 2018-01-17 at 18.07.33issue of Your Impossible Voice. Follow the link below to read the story, or support the good people at Your Impossible Voice by purchasing a copy of their 2018 winter issue.

“Kirjaimellisesti” by James Kramer  

Many thanks


Fireworks in Tianjin

I moved back to England, my wife stayed in Tianjin, China. She wanted to stay with the dog. The dog had been found by a sluice canal behind our home. We had heard it cry and gone looking for it. We took it home, bandaged its leg and gave it food and water. Though it still walked funny we loved it and named it Colin, a reference to a TV show that only one of us understood. Now the dog was in China with my wife who was not speaking to me. I had rented a room that was arguably too small that did not realistically match my age.

After being back for two weeks and not talking to anyone, Beckett came over. I said that he’d missed me and we went and bought goat meat from a Halal butcher in the community market then took it to cook at his place because my room doesn’t have a kitchen and very soon would fill up with smoke. Beckett cooked the goat with cumin seeds and tomato and filled two bowls with instant rice and cooked goat meat.

“I’m having trouble eating things,”

“I wish you’d told me that,” Beckett said, staring at his own bowl of cooked goat.

“It’s just a constant feeling of nauseousness, that seems to be increasing,”

“It doesn’t matter.” Beckett said, and asked why I had called.

I managed to get a job working with children in care. I work from 5 pm till 7 the next morning, then the next day I don’t work at all. Mostly I just have to calm them back to sleep when they wake up screaming. If one of the kids sleeps through three consecutive nights without waking up and screaming, then we give them a sticker of a happy looking elephant. The elephant is wearing denim overalls with suspenders that make him look like Huckleberry Finn. The kids can do whatever they like with the stickers. Some of them chose not to peel them off for days. Most of the stickers end up on the front covers of the ex-library books that we’re donated. Some of the kids put stickers directly onto their clothes and then when the clothes get washed the kids are sad since the stickers are gone. I once tried to fish one of the stickers out of the washing machine but it had already been destroyed. It turned into pulp and fell apart in my hands. I told the kid that I was sorry and he asked if the elephant was dead.

The problem with the video footage that was taken from people’s phones was that it looked like a concert video, a celebrity sighting. I felt distracted by the reflections on the glass too, but maybe that’s just because I wanted to be.

There are currently three kids living in the residency. Their names are Simon, Bethany and Karl. I have secretly named them Grass, Turntable and Tape. I will never tell them these names nor use them in public. I have given them these because those are the things that they remind me of. To explain why would take too long and then afterwards you would not think that I am a good person, which I might not be.

Tape almost received a happy elephant sticker this morning, until Turntable told me that he and Grass had secretly left their beds during the night and eaten the staff’s peanut butter from the fridge and that’s why there were now ants infesting the kitchen. There is, of course, no sticker that we give to children when they get up during the night to steal peanut butter. If a resident breaks the rules we just keep a record in the night journal, indexing it with X. Since I cannot use a red pen anymore I write the word red next to the X. If someone fired me for this, I would thank them for it and feel momentarily free from something terrible.

“You’re going to use me as practice, to work through your own shit, aren’t you?”

Our favourite destination in Tianjin was near to where we lived and was called Italian Town. Italian Town was a block of fake cobbled streets lined with restaurants that served German beer in 1L barrels and shops that sold Chinese looking souvenirs. There was a fountain in the centre of Italian Town and my wife and I took a photograph on her phone. In the photo we’re kissing underneath the falling water. Its cliché but beautiful and was the most important photograph that we ever managed to take. When I look at it now I feel like not speaking to anyone for days.

It was suggested to me that I get a new dog, since I had been here a year and have not really made any significant connections. I visited a breeder, who gave me green tea and told me to come and meet the dogs. All of the dogs were corgis, so I asked if the breeder if she only bred corgis and she said that she didn’t understand why I’d asked the question. I bent down next to one of the dogs to introduce myself and it looked back at me, emitting a very clear message.

“You’re going to use me as practice, to work through your own shit, aren’t you?” The dog said.

“No. Probably.”

“Do’t use me for practice please,” The dog said and so I left it and told the breeder that the tea had made me feel nauseous, which was technically true.

The closed circuit security camera footage of the guard being blown away the glass doors is too brief to be properly understood. It lasts only four seconds long and so makes people think of animated stickers or gifs and so appears as something to be played on an endless loop until the movement behind what it is that you’re watching becomes distanced and abstracted so far out of context that it is then a singularly involved thing. It says nothing about the man whose death the camera recorded, or anything about what it felt like to be close at that point. It says nothing about the heat, the rising fire.

I tell her on the last day we spend together is the same thing I tell everyone who askes. I say that my wife and I crawled down the stairwell on our chests, after the blast. That there was smoke like earth that was burying us.

I go shopping for the week and instead of buying the chicken that I had promised my therapist I would buy I went to a specialist butcher and asked if they killed birds on site. When he told me that they did it nearby I asked if I could watch it happen. The man behind the counter said that no I couldn’t be there, but promised me that the creature died humanely and with only a little pain and I told him that I didn’t care. I left without buying anything to eat and when the following day my therapist asked if I had bought and eaten the chicken I lied and said that I had forgot. I said that if she asked me to do anything like that again I would stop coming and all but disappear. She agreed that she wouldn’t. Then I stop going anyway.

What I tell her on the last day we spend together is the same thing I tell everyone who askes. I say that my wife and I crawled down the stairwell on our chests, after the blast. That there was smoke like earth that was burying us. It made sure that we couldn’t stand. Many other people died in our building say, which is probably true, but at the time I didn’t care. I didn’t want my wife to die, so we crawled on our chests until we got outside, then we lay in the bushes and both of us cried. The floor outside was sprinkled with glass, as an army of alarms signalled to one another. The whole city sounded like a giant, screaming child. I don’t tell her that the dog managed to escape and that we don’t know how, because if I tell her this, she will fixate on this detail as somehow miraculous and try to ignore hundreds of people who died around us. If I mention the dog, people look for a way out of the story, so I don’t anymore.

When people reply by saying that you could see the explosion from space, I ask them who cares. That an astronaut could have looked down and seen what was happening to us, doesn’t matter to me at all. I tell them that all the astronauts in the world can go fuck themselves and then I usually leave the conversation and don’t come back.

I have become remarkable purely because of the fact that I am not dead, when most people believe that I should be.

My wife now agrees to Skype with me once a week. I don’t tell her that she is remarkable because I want her life to be defined by better things. She tells me that she has renamed the dog and given it a Chinese name that I cannot pronounce. I ask what it is, and this is only the second most pointless question that I have heard in the last two days. She tells me the dogs new name and I say that I like it, then we end the conversation by waving and saying goodnight.


Featured artist: Yuri Andries

we are un-accelerated


Official recorded transcripts of interviews 6th May 2017

Present: Helena PD, Ohio. Detective Sanderson, Detective Alburquest. Suspects Drew Anderson, Clara Liu, Daeg Morris.

Unrelated context has been removed for the relevancy of materials provided. All present were made aware of the recording and gave signed and dated consent.

                       Sanderson: So, he came then of his own volition, was willing to, is what I’m saying. That he accepted what was at stake, the premise of the thing, right from the start I mean. He wasn’t taken out there with hands behind his shoulders, a gun to his back, wasn’t forced, tricked or somehow made unaware of what was going on?

                       Drew: We didn’t need to trick him, in fact I’d go as far as to say we told him outright. That he didn’t require much in the way of a push is true, really. He was all but ready to go himself, had we not arrived, I’m fairly confident. No, I’m sure that he would have otherwise found himself out there in the desert, perhaps not in the particular position that we left him in, but stranded out there all the same. It was something that I believe somewhere deep and very personally inside he felt that for some reasons he just needed to do.

                       Clara: When we explained what was out there, he was totally for it. Near begging us to take him. He all but ran back to the Marriott, to the room where he was staying, a room that contained enough clothes to carry him across the country. A separate room for his P.A. who had to sleep with the boxes of books as yet unsold, to collect this giant, old- fashioned Dictaphone and head out within the hour. He looked comical, carrying that thing. The contraption, it made his neck appear birdlike and strained, the veins throttled by the recording equipment’s requisitely heavy and industrial cord.

e seemed even then to treat it all like some kind of joke. But it wasn’t. Nothing about this was ever intended to be funny. We didn’t want to be entertained.


                      Daeg: I mean seriously, who does that? Who still carries a goddam Dictaphone around with them today? Who considers that worthy of packing, of allocating space? It’s so cloyingly affected. Might as well make it a tape recorder, complete with furry nozzled boom for all the retro-chic look-at-me-ness of the thing. I knew from right then that what we were on the right track. From that point on I felt no remorse whatsoever. Internally I was straight Zen-like and stoically calm.

                    Alburquest: And so who was it then that started it? I think we need to clarify here who it was who put the first one down his throat?

                     Drew: That’s the thing, none of us did. He swallowed the first handful by his own volition I believe. I think at the time he thought it was all just so incredibly funny, hilarious. Demanded that we take pictures of him doing it, on a Polaroid of course.

                     Sanderson: But then so what, you all took over?

                    Daeg: I guess that he didn’t realise quite how angry we all were, that we were angry with him, more that we were angry with the idea of him, the external projection of what it was that he had come to represent. Angry with the whole situation it’s fair to say. He seemed even then to treat it all like some kind of joke. But it wasn’t. Nothing about this was ever intended to be funny. We didn’t want to be entertained.

                    Clara: He laughed at first, but then it quickly went from being anything but funny.

Approximately two months into any given probationary period of employment, your average beat officer on the roster at the Helena city police department has been witness to a near full spectrum of predictable behaviours that those newly arrested are likely to perform when absent- mindedly oblivious to the presence of the cameras located in the easterly facing corners of each of the holding cells in the small and provincially stationed country protection centre, switched on to record any of the nocturnal hours of an unremarkable mid-week p.m. Those individuals still in the process of tweeking are likely to be engaged, if not dismantling the few remaining items of upper-body clothing thread by unwound thread, then working at the soldered bolts of the steel toilet with the ends of their rattled fingers until the stubs of their nails are rust coloured with blood, whereupon they usually then take to biting at those instead, seemingly oblivious to the ammonic tang directly below their noses. Individuals hauled in with serious and all too violent crimes hanging threateningly over their heads tend to sleep it off and find comfort in rest, while irregular customers brought in for an ill- conceived DUI will pace and mutter hung-over to themselves for as long as they are cogently able to do so. To listen to the live audio-feed from any of the precinct’s three separate holding cells on any given non-collegiate football weeknight is therefore a masochistic ritual in subjecting oneself to an auditory tidal wave of semi-lucid, personal narratives of denial and emotional regression with the odd, occasional flat-line snore of your more hardened and professional criminal types.

It is therefore safe to say that neither detective Sanderson nor detective Alburquest allocated even the slightest microcosmic second to sitting before the triptych of barely functioning monitors and tuning into what it was that their very own newly assembled suspects had to say in the privacy of their own cells and instead busied themselves with constructing intricate blends of Nescafe instant gold blend granulated coffee with perfectionist measured quantities of Coffee-Mate power and gently distilled sachets of artificial sweetener.

That the break room held more of a convivial, brothers-of-the-uniform type vibe was also a major draw for both elder statesmen of the Helena community branch, Alburquest going as far as to introduce his own personally bought and brought from home La-z Boy chair to the south-easterly corner of the annexed room, where the chair snuggly nestled itself between the table supporting the recently diminished collection of back-issue ‘hobby enthusiast’ magazines, journals and industry periodicals deemed adequately suitable and not to be ‘lowering the overall tone’ of the break room (re: a recently enforced innovative policy implemented by the state bureau in an attempt to reduce the general testeronically heavy odour of the station’s unisex staffroom areas, said policy having severely cut back on what was found free to peruse on top of the previously mentioned coffee table top) where to the other side of the chair would most likely be found any remarkable variety of spongy, Belgium chocolate frosted, individually portioned snack treats, home baked by one Mrs. Sanderson, despite her own husband’s (sensibly non-vocalised) indifference to all things sweet (never mind continentally suspect and Belgium-esque) and so brought them in to place nearby the feet of his aging partner, thereby finding them a more responsive and gutturally accepting audience, who in a vicious circle then used the increasing expanse of his own diameter and the noticeable strain that it put on the lower regions of his already taxed back as the justifying reason for the home-purchased, complex office/rec-room chair that in turn sitting in for prolonged periods of time brought him within such readily close proximity to Mrs. Sanderson’s devilishly chocolate sponge cake squares on an almost daily basis.

That all three of the recently accosted suspects had been so readily willing, almost verging unromantically on the side of being overeager to explain and postulate in great and verifiably accurate detail the violent and criminal actions that they unitedly had undertaken out there in the desert amidst the obsidian dunes and sporadic rock formations alongside small, isolated islands of tundra and bunch grass and brief interludes of intersecting asphalt also gave detectives Sanderson and Alburquest little to no interest in audibly spying on the trio, the whole procedural pleasure of being
voyeuristically omnipotent having been robbed of the two senior lawmen the moment that each of the suspects (wholly independently from one another, never mind the absolute omission of any kind of pressurised and/or manipulated coercion) began to deliver lengthy and arguably over stylised expository narratives on just how they had taken the visiting celebrity out into the far reaches of the manufactured sands of Ohio’s now almost two decade-old tourist attraction. What had seemed inventive, modern and arguably daring at the time had grown to those aware to vex and irritate, the local residents coming to view it as thinly veiled and gimmicky, its existence tactless and obtuse.


The artificial desert constructed from industriously produced black sand shipped all the way from Guangzhou factory warehouses, an appeal to popular kitsch that had initially done some considerable good for the state in terms of national press and alternative travel-seeking websites but had long since fallen more- or-less to the wayside with its revenue each quarter locked in an evermore permanent-seeming decline, the vast majority of the desert’s once shining obsidian sand now resembled more of a dull and uninteresting granulated coffee and was considered by a great percentage of the state’s inhabitants to have been an ill-conceived and myopic plea to get people to come and visit and spend their summer vacation money on black-desert snow globes, novelty ice-cream coloured via imported squid ink and t-shirts with such catchy slogans as I visited the black desert sands of Ohio and all I got was Silicosis, especially when September winds would bring vast sweeping clouds of windswept dark matter down onto Main Streets and into homes of the various towns that circumvented it, leaving once white picketed fences looking brutalised by a hail of minuscule particles, appearing somehow not dissimilar to a seriously over zealous pelting of shotgun buckshot, and that it was there that the trio collectively engaged in what even the more hardened Sanderson had to remark safely within the collective privacy of the break room, amid gorging mouthfuls of double dark chocolate brownie (Mrs. Sanderson having truly exceeded herself this time) was a real act of actualised sadism that revealed some real heartfelt animosity on behalf of said criminal participants.

“And they told you about cooking the roses right?” Alburquest interjected in response to his partner’s critique of the moral and spiritual centres of these three middle-aged figures, who still dressed themselves in young adult branded Khakis and (arguably) ironically donned gift-bag bundle promotional t- shirts from various technological early-era Silicon Valley conventions, after the first round of questioning had been completed.

“Where is it, do you think that they find out about these things? They have to be getting it from somewhere. You think they find out about that shit online? Go onto YouTube and find some video that explains new ways to get high?”

“Have to be getting it from somewhere,” Sanderson concluded. “Nothing comes from a vacuum, everything’s just a response to something else, and no one’s reading these days. Goddamn rose petals, frying that shit really gets you buzzed?”

“They seem to think so,” Alburquest puzzled. “My wife’s been growing them for years, out in the front. Think I should try it?”

“It’s a fad.” Sanderson said. “A fart in the wind. You tell me, what’s lasting about it? Like bath salts and mamba and all that other junk.”

“I feel left behind by the world sometimes,” Alburquest muttered.

                    Alburquest: So then, what did you tell him was in the desert?

Clara: A café, or more of a diner really, one of those mobile, strip-chrome exteriors, the kind that are considerably both overtly retro and yet still somehow remains timeless. We knew that he’d go for that in a heartbeat.

                    Alburquest: He went all the way out there just for a diner?

                    Daeg: Well, it’s more of a novelty, it being themed and all. They built it some years ago just outside of Atwater, when summer numbers began to clearly dwindle. Felt sort of desperate, but it worked for a while, stole the summer crowd back from Damascus. The interior of the café is decked out, see, to like resemble the inside of the large hadron collider, the one out there in Europe. In fact to say that it’s decked out is to do it a disservice. I heard they actually flew out one of the original technicians, a physicist or something, out from Geneva to supervise the construction, the makeshift reconstruction. They paid him to make sure that the design was as authentic as possible, check that all the plastic drainpipes and cardboard dials were like, in the right place and as genuinely authentic as one can do via a trip to Costco. It’s supposed to be just like the real thing, not that I’ve seen it, the one in Europe I mean, so who knows. 

being surrounded by absolutely nothing, less than zero. He read into that some kind of corny irony about its goddamn spatial isolation, like he saw the absence of presence around it as part of the attraction. Romanticised it all to hell

                   Sanderson: And he followed you?

                   Drew: You bet he did. The distance was all but half the appeal of it, it being surrounded by absolutely nothing, less than zero. He read into that some kind of corny irony about its goddamn spatial isolation, like he saw the absence of presence around it as part of the attraction. Romanticised it all to hell.

                    Sanderson: I’m getting the impression that you don’t feel the same,

                    Drew: Can I tell you what it was like, growing up out there? You realise how mind numbly draining it was to be dropped into all of that wilderness every day of your extended adolescence? Try to comprehend the sheer boredom of it all. You’re from Helena right? Figured. Even Daeg and Clara, I mean they talk about it, but they weren’t raised out there. I would have killed to be in Helena. Just to have a Wal-Mart, a lonesome dairy queen.

                    Daeg: I think he had simply grown tired of that crowd, that particular scene that he’d been a part of for so long, made to take ownership of, or at least acknowledge his role in its social-genealogy. But the sycophantic, self-referential pre-answered questions and the like, he bitched endlessly about that all the way out there. It was if we had arrived as if summoned to give him an excuse, we were perfectly timed.

                  Drew: Like I said, he was ready.

With commodious decades of crime scene investigation between their collective belts, there are few sights within the county of Helena, Ohio that would cause partners Sanderson and Alburquest to pause and take note. The blown out hollow of an imploded meth lab, the patterned mania of a quadruple murder-suicide and neither of the seasoned police professionals would do so much as refresh their lids towards the outstretched tableau before them, cordoned off behind butter yellow tape or mapped in-between chalk white lines. Yet the two detectives were each secretly dumbfounded by the call on Saturday the 6th of May, whose radioed directions found them interviewing the remaining, baffled crowd at a hastily upended paid-for private reading + signing + possible Q/A session held at the Helena market square’s Barnes and Noble, when the guest author in question suddenly left a table loaded with newly printed, as of yet unsold, re-released copies of his zeitgeist- defining novel, now celebrating a victorious 26th year anniversary and decided to accompany three complete strangers into the man-made noir-ish desert, where he seemed if not in part responsible then at the very least complicit in his own arguably gruesome and certainly painful demise.

                     Daeg: Do you know how hard Japanese is as a language to learn? How impossibly difficult it is, to not only comprehend but also actually apply?

                     Sanderson: Why don’t you enlighten me?

                     Daeg: It’s a language of deferral, of implicit reference. There’s more, so much vastly more, than the lexis or any kind of syntactic shelf of knowledge that one has to overcome. An insane amount relies on cultural omission; there are reels of assumed connotations, imperatives of polite, understated non-reference and conditioned refrain. A learner must thrust themselves not only into how to construct meaning via phonemes that until that point are likely to have never graced their lips, but must also then come to acclimatize themselves with an entirely alien set of cultural caveats regarding what is deemed acceptable to say or publicly mention. What I’m trying to say here, and most likely sufficiently failing to do so, is that I mentally as well as financially exhausted myself in the pursuit of acquiring a semblance of this language and that its acquisition in a very real and tangible way took all that I had to give.

                      Sanderson: And what does this all have to do with Mr Coupland?

                      Daeg: He made it all seem so inconsequential! A few throwaway phrases and that’s it! A brief sideline, spoken to a handful of distressed, map-weary tourists and yet so much time is spent on pointless wastes of anti- narrative drivel. I have never forgiven him for that. I never can. I’m not ashamed of how much I had to work to be able to speak what little Japanese I can. I don’t feel the need to bury it, or pretend it was something that I just picked up on the way, that it wasn’t something that I strived for, that I wanted. It’s ok to better yourself. It’s all right to feel worthy of occasional praise for doing something that many other people wouldn’t even consider to attempt. It’s not shaming. I am not ashamed.

                    Clara: Drew knew that he’d dive right in for the diner experience. So we loaded up with supplies, bought tickets for the reading and met him there at the signing. It was easy.

                   Alburquest: Supplies?

                  Clara: The greaseproof wrappers. We figured that we’d need to buy them in Helena where we knew of at least three outlets. There wouldn’t be anywhere out in the desert to do that, most of the vendors out there packed up and left in 09. And we didn’t want to buy them from the diner. We wanted the logo on the wrappers, the logo being there, both on the paper and in his mouth; that was an important part.

                  Alburquest: Whose idea was it?

                  Drew: I can’t remember, maybe Daeg’s, maybe mine, though it could have equally been Clara. We were all so incredibly satisfied with it that I think we assumed collective ownership fairly early on in the planning stages. The shovel however, that was mine.

                  Sanderson: And the hamburgers themselves? What did you do with them?

                  Daeg: We didn’t throw them away if that’s what you’re asking. We ate some; Drew had missed breakfast so I think he had the most. Three, maybe four even. Then the rest we gave away to the homeless on the way to B&N. We’re not inhumane you know, we don’t believe in wasting food.

It was the mention of the greaseproof wrappers that had halted the proceedings, causing the interviews to temporarily cease. Similarly, it was also the issue of contention causing detective Sanderson to massage the pulsating islands of his temples and detective Alburquest to consume increasingly unsafe amounts of homemade chocolate butter frosting, as the partners sat and waited for the official decision to be called in via the state branch’s direct line. When the call did eventually arrive, the voice on the other end of the connection was that of a Captain whom both Sanderson and Alburquest knew to refer to as Captain Almaz, yet neither of the two senior detectives had ever been required to place a face/voice to the name and so were slightly taken aback to be suddenly hearing from the man who addressed them by their familial first names as if longstanding compatriots of garden cookouts, of barbeques and shared off-duty beers. A figurehead whose tone implied warmth and reassurance and an all round sense of calm that the partners found mildly disconcerting and yet strangely appealing, sparking as it did desires to immediately make the voice’s owner if not happy, then at the least satisfied with their choice of actions.

“The primary issue here boys,” Captain Almaz began, “ is that we have to think in terms of going beyond this rash and regrettably now unavoidable tragedy undertaken by these very lost and wayward figures. In short we have to think of state-wide sponsorship. I don’t need to remind anyone here of the 36th annual corn festival that’s already rearing its sizable head over the financial horizon and just how much of it is that our friends over there routinely invest in, not just for the festival’s stake but the whole wider community at large. All of those families hit hard by the recent economic trouble and dwindling annual revenue who are right this instant relying on said sponsorship, the subsidies and the like. Not to mind the little critters who get just a real kick out of seeing all of their favourite friends come down for the parade, what with the kid’s Corn Club Corner and the free samples that those good folks down there are always on hand to deliver. The general feeling here, is that all that goodness, both for the state and its inhabitants, for you and I, is too much to wantonly toss away because of some dumb little misadventure with one little author who frankly has little to nothing to do with life down here anyway. If there’s one thing that I’ve been saying to Margret (Margret’s my wife, been going on sixteen good years of fortune God bless) is that there should be greater regulations on the types of books that we let these kids get a hold of. If a man is going to write something dissociative and purposefully disconcerting like that, then well its not too much of an exaggeration I dare say that he’s taking his own safety more than a little into his own hands, wouldn’t you say there Bill?”

Detective Sanderson found himself agreeing.

“And it was the wrappers you’re saying? Them greaseproof, sticky type things that they found stuffed down the old oesophagus?”

“Yes sir,” Alburquest added, keen to get in on the friendly authoritative figure’s range of conversational reference. “They were from the limited edition Black Charcoal Ohio Burger, in celebration of the desert, priced at $4.50 I believe.”

“I don’t know about you boys, but I hate those goddam sands,” Captain Almaz posited. “We’ll just about take on anything these days to get those tourist dollars rolling on in. It’s a mighty shame, mighty big. But the fact still stands, I’m sure you’ll understand, is that what with the logo’s being on the wrapper there, having them publically removed from the throat of Mr Coupland, would be viewed by certain people as a seriously negative campaign blow to our friends over there in the industry, one that they feel no amount of publically available reading material on just how 100% recycled and sustainable said paper in question really is, and how from the Q3 regulations all of it, the certification via the forest stewardship committee is not really going to offset and counteract. Now you boys can follow that see?”

Sanderson and Alburquest agreed that they both indeed could follow the reasonable logic of both the company in question and of Captain Almaz, who seemed to let out a less than disguised sigh before asking the following question.

“And I daresay there was a notice pinned to his chest? What was still visible of it, the man’s torso above ground?”

“Yes Sir. Though buried waist deep in the black sands, on Mr Coupland’s chest was what appeared to be a job application Sir, filled in and all but completed, for the position of junior fry cook at the No.2 branch of said dinning outlet in Helena sir. They’d been quite thorough in answering it; seemed to have taken the time. Gave a fairly compelling statement as to why they would like to work for the company. Detailed it was sir, as in depth.”

“Now that little document,” Almaz said with careful distinction over the line, “has to disappear now doesn’t it? Nobody else saw it?”

“There were cameras, before we had time to arrive,” Sanderson said, staring to seek out a hint of uniformed camaraderie from Alburquest, who was overtly concerned with listening to the voice at the other end of the line. “But they were too far away from the scene to really make out what was written on it. Could have been anything really…”

“Ah, well that is good news. Well done boys. So, I’m correct in thinking that leaving the note out of the reports is not going to trouble either of you too greatly is it? Seems a shame to make the whole great state here, not to mention all of us who like a little fast food treat once in a while, suffer just because of the heinous actions of these, let’s call them what they are, delinquent hipsters suffer and ruin the fun for so many.”

“Not at all,” added Alburquest. “But there is the issue of the face paint, the cameras would have picked up on that for sure.”

“Face paint?” Almaz inquired, his voice suddenly flat with a deadpan humourlessness.

“Water based sir” Sanderson added. “They’d painted his face to look like the clown.”

The line fell silent, save a slight electrical ring of the break room’s old analogue phone.

“Any particular clown?” Almaz finally asked.

“Yes sir, as with the hamburgers sir, the very same.” Sanderson answered.

“Well f*** me.”


                        Clara: We asked him to climb into the hole and he did it. We said it was for a picture, what with the Polaroid still there. I don’t think he believed us, but by then it hardly seemed to matter. An artist in a hole in the desert, the oily artificial sand all around, with a paper mache large hadron collider in the background and slightly to the left, yet one where you could buy $6 dollar patty melts and genuine, authentically replicated malted milk, or Pabst straight from the can. How could he not just eat that up? But it wasn’t a fun or happy experience. We didn’t enjoy it, and I don’t look back on it now with any sort of sense of completion. I don’t feel vindicated or anything. I have no lasting feeling that we were right in any real way to do what we did. We just felt out of options, and think all of us in some unspoken and highly collective way were looking for someone to blame. Then we saw the poster online and started to make plans.

                    Daeg: It all escalated without our even really being aware of it. Drew took one of the hamburgers and I believe he was going to try to get him lick the salt or the fat off of the greaseproof. He said something about basking him in the sun. Marinating he might have said. Coating maybe. But when Douglas bit hold of the wrapping when we came close and he tore at it he managed to get the whole thing into his mouth without the use of his hands. Kind of impressive really, when you think about it. He was laughing, and asking us to take more pictures. That’s when Clara started to remove more of the wrappers from the car.

                    Sanderson: And the job application?

                   Drew: There are some things that I have come to realise, things that within my adult life have shifted from being options to existing as seriously entrenched facts. I will never own a car in my life that runs without entrenched, mechanical problems or is not passed down to me during the final stages of its serviceable career. The rooms that I inhabit will always be rented, and I therefore will never be allowed to paint in the colours that I like, or remove the physical monstrosities within which that I distain. If and when I have a job, it will most likely be temporary, paid by the hour and will come and go with the seasons. There will be no certainty. The pre-90’s terror of a horrifyingly stable but ultimately meaningless and existentially vapid sense of career certainty will never be one that I have to even consider experiencing. The prospect of stability will be at the best of times, slightly more distant on the spectrum of oncoming problems and remain for most of my days a laughable fear. Opting out is not an option because I have never, nor will ever be in a position of privilege where the essential means of survival are not perilous and unpredictable. I do not get to omit material wealth or status that I have never owned. I cannot despise nor resent a condo which I have never held the keys for. I am ill equipped to be despondent, dissatisfied. I am therefore instead angry. And anyone who looks on me and decides that this was a choice, a conscious form of chosen action, I am going to want to and seek out to correct in a very real and immediate fashion.

                       Daeg: Drew is angrier than I am, but that’s not to say that I don’t understand. I cannot however bring myself to feel any of the catharsis that he has seemed to experience since. I don’t feel any different, better nor worse than before. I still feel just as less, as omitting of something vital, that there is something that should be prevalent in my life, which there is not.

                      Alburquest: Did he say anything, out there in the desert? Once it became clear what was going on.

                      Clara: He told us a story. Once we had him in the sand and he’d managed to put away nearly a dozen of the logo imprinted wrappers, his mouth already mountainous with ants, skin beginning to blister what with the reflection from off the ill-conceived colour of the sand. He told us a story, asked us if we would pause, would wait long enough for it to be over.

                      Alburquest: What was the story about?

                      Daeg: That there was a boy, and that the boy’s mother became incredibly sick as if out of nowhere not too shortly after the boy’s first birthday. That the family had dealt with the situation well, aunts coming to help, uncles stepping in while the father spent long and inconceivably troubled nights in the hospital sleeping on the chair next to his wife as her health rapidly spiralled, getting unexplainably worse for no apparent or reason. And so, even being one so young the boy had grown up with an unexpressed sense that he had in fact caused his own mother’s unexplained sickness and so carried with him a fairly large dose of inexpressible guilt, that he was unable to unburden himself of, given his own liminal understanding as to why it was that he had chosen to personally take on said burden when there were so many other possible causes and reasons for his own mom’s seriously threatening illness. Yet the family continued without any real signs from the boy that there might be anything in the way of seriously wrong. The house was redesigned and a room was equipped for the mom to be comfortable in, and each of the extended family took long and loving turns in the room, talking to her without expecting or eventually even being saddened by the lack of kinetic response. And so the various household errands and requirements were taken up by the father and the boy, with the father soon revealing a significant ineptness when it came to preparing meals for the two of them, leaving this particular household chore quickly to his young son. But cooking for the family soon became not a chore for the boy but a pleasurable experience, one that he looked forward to throughout the school day, even relishing at times daydreaming through the more prolonged periods of boredom during which he was not questioned nor pulled aside, the teachers still feeling queasily uncertain about how to approach their student given the recent level of high-altitude personal tragedy that he had (stoically it seems) had to deal with. However, throughout the following years it became clear that the boy was eating less and less of his own personally cooked meals and though the father ate at mealtimes with recognisable enjoyment and gusto and more than a little pride at the mature and thoughtful role that his son had managed to maintain, he began to notice that the boy placed two plates near overloaded with lovingly prepared food on the table and yet when the meal was over and completed and the time came to clear away the table, while the father’s plate resembled a mashed smear of sauce and remnants, the boy’s own serving was still a good 90% present and untouched, which of course began to trouble him. But then so the boy grew and developed into what might be called a functional, but socially troubled young, adolescent male who, despite the psychological albatross he was schlepping, in fact managed to secure a relationship with a women who in turn found him compatible, kind and even at times a little mawkishly sweet. Yet if she carried with her one small titbit of uncertainty, it was that her emotional and physical partner seemed incapable of sitting down with her at any of the culturally diverse and interesting restaurants that they would go to on the first romantic string of dates and actually eating more than a few cursory mouthfuls, nor would he intake any of the butter coated popcorn when the pair propped themselves semi-slouched on the couch at home, to streamline countless episodes one straight after the other of variously imported shows. At least once a week he treated her with some form of sugary, baked or frozen treat, which she enjoyed and loved sincerely that he took the time to surprise her with, but then feels the experience slightly diminished, for when sat down beside her he seemed only to watch her eat, while tasting nothing of it himself. Naturally she of course began to think at first that he was unhappy with her, perhaps due to her shape, her size, or that she was in some way at fault. This then turned understandably to resentment, as if he was holding something back from her, restricting himself from being totally honest and himself around her and so she begins to resent him ever more slightly with each frozen dessert that he produced, the smell of flour and eggs in the oven beginning to retain a slight sourness that wasn’t present before in the early weekends of their coupling. And what the young man can never tell her, or at least chose never to reveal, is that long after she has fallen asleep in his arms he would sneak away, removing the laptop from off their resting legs. That he left her side to gorge from the fridge or even out of the carrier bag in which the rubbish was stored away overnight before being put outside with the morning. That he would eat until he was physically sick and so desperately ashamed of himself and that should he be caught or forced to explain, he would say that he was undeserving. That the nurturing quality of good food, sustenance made personally and for you by another person who needs and adores you and was so infinitely thankful for your presence on this earth, was not something that he can ever allow himself to be accepting of, even though he knew that eventually what began as a minor irritation, an anti-social tick, will drive her as it has others away from him and that he will ultimately feel forced to let her pack up and leave rather than try to explain his own very damaging and uniquely personal predicament, for he can only barely comprehend it himself.

                    Alburquest: He told you all of this, while you had him out there in the desert?

                    Clara: And don’t you just wish that he hadn’t right?

                   Alburquest: Come again?

                   Clara: Because it’s all so obviously parabolic. The emotionally stilted individual, the lacking ability to demonstrate what we conceive of as an essential social expression of sincerity and affectionate warmth and all of it bottled up in some cutesy modern anecdotal minimalism that is set to somehow resonate with us via the telling, which it does of course because such feelings of uncertainty and personal guilt and self-denial or devalued self-worth are at some level most likely present in almost all of us. It’s not shocking to express that we are all, at some basic level, scared of our inability to be valued and loved.

                    Sanderson: And that’s where the story ended? With the couple just stranded there?

                    Daeg: That’s the part of the story we got to, before Drew forced another six greaseproof wrappers into his face.

                   Drew: I don’t think that he intended there to be a conclusion. I’m not sorry about what I did.

Detective Sanderson lifted from the front seat of his take-home vehicle his jacket, removed from his back due to the sweltering heat of the car as it tracked from the central streets of Helena, Ohio out into what became expansive suburbs, then patterned houses amidst fields of soon-to-be honey coloured corn. With the engine off, he collected his papers and found the keys to the front door, whereby he stood for a moment before hearing the bolt lock dislodge itself and the scuff of the coir floor mat scrape across the under ridges of the Sanderson’s heavy exterior door. Inside he kissed his wife, her face before the television on which played a show that he didn’t recognise nor could distinguishably hear. In the kitchen sink he placed the empty plastic container, the Tupperware still speckled with dark chocolate crumbs and the prints of detective Alburquest’s left hand. He ran the water for a moment, filling the tub till the water rose and yielded to the slight curvature of the plastic’s sides. When he sealed the tap off once more, detective Sanderson listened for the slight sounds of calm that echoed throughout his home. He was aware of his wife’s presence behind him, of her body facing the lit screen. He heard the sounds of televised voices and felt the moisture of the recently- run cold water in the air. Through the kitchen window, across the fields of corn that composed their neighbour’s land, billboards above the highway radiated from underscored spotlights that cast their shadows upwards like moonlight in mirrored reverse and detective Sanderson knew that shortly he would wipe the remaining water from his hands and join his wife on the sofa before the television, and for this he was glad.

This is Not How You Become Free


Those attending in the theatre wear latex gloves that give off dunes of talcum when strapped on. That the skin is already alive and fresh from the prescribed anti-bacterial wash that is mentholic and tingles means that the talcum power sticks to the skin on the hands and forms a slick kind of sand that gravitates towards the wrist the longer the gloves are worn. As well as the gloves, each person in the room has their face partially covered by a blue pastel mask. The mask is papery and thin and crinkles like wrapping paper whenever the person behind it inhales. What movement there is the room seems incredibly swift and seemingly brief. There is a great deal of purpose to what is going on. It is almost worthy of grace. When things do go wrong, everybody manages to focus even more on what is happening. The room falls intensely silent. When the woman at the centre of the theatre looses enough blood that critical is not an exaggeration, there is no one who feels the need to verbally acknowledge this. Everyone knows what is going on and what it is they should do. While the woman is dying on the table, one of the nurses finds herself questioning, if the woman would want to know, be told if she could hear and take account, of what was happening to her and all that was being done to stop it. The room is incredibly bright, and all of the surfaces shine with a brilliance from the reflected beams of concentrated light. There is Dettol in the air.

Sarah Lyn Hale was a member of the 4% minority of fourteenth floor employees who vocally preferred to spend their time firmly rooted in the Beijing central office of Oburst & Shyam, looking out as it did over the complex strip of mirrored glass that was the financial district of Ruihai, the street with its leaning architectural structures often heating the pavement to such a boiling temperature that fragments of the asphalt would break off and attach themselves in skewered clusters to the stilettoed feet of those passing overhead, rather than taking the paid and highly reimbursable outer-regional contracts as did so many of her peers. For most of S&O’s north east regional personal translators would prefer not to stay cooped up in the city, especially during the greenhouse months of June and July but instead travel at the companies expense to any of the four rented office spaces situated in Changchun, Zhongzhou, Jinan or their most northerly and tundra-esque frozen locale of Harbin, with its Russian Orthodox churches and borsht/vodka dining options, never mind the elaborate ice sculptures that brought throngs of domestic tourists each year, a winterly festival that always ending up killing at good couple of migrant workers, crushing them under falling blocks of ice while trying to build a homage to 1970’s era apple computers out of frozen bricks 3 meters in density.

ultimately insignificant kind of delay that found you sitting on the plane in your own allocated seat only for the vehicle to taxi endlessly around the tarmac, making you feel somehow infantile and high-chaired, unable to resolve your seated pangs of discomfort and increasingly indignant rage.

Trips to these destinations were also prized by most for although the subsequent journey to & fro Beijing was almost certainly guaranteed to contain mind numbing delays that would become arduous and intellectually taxing, the airport staff remaining inexplicably vague as to why the delays where occurring (S.L. Hale remembers jotting down her own personal favourite answer as seen displayed via a wall of frozen monitors that the delays were happening because of some reasons, and for the following month would use this as a byword around the office, forgetting that she had never explained the genesis of the joke to anyone and so aptly quit interjecting it into conversations and then laughing less than mutedly to herself) as the delays naturally rolled into the third and then fourth hour, keeping you locked in the airport waiting bay with little more than a snack dispensing vending machine selling boxed versions of instant noodles with no sign or boiling water in sight, or better still the kind of middling and ultimately insignificant kind of delay that found you sitting on the plane in your own allocated seat only for the vehicle to taxi endlessly around the tarmac, making you feel somehow infantile and high-chaired, unable to resolve your seated pangs of discomfort and increasingly indignant rage. And yet they were so prized for they offered for any employee of O&S feeling the psychological endurance of familial life the safe refuge of an internationally recognised five star hotel bedroom, with its various amenities all emitting comfort and individual value/worth via the attention to bodily pampering. For some, the promise of a plush bed, whose sheets were pressed and tightened by hands that were not your own was enough. Others felt drawn to rainwater celling mounted showers in which you stood in a block of carved granite made to look and feel like marble and allowed body temperate steam to surround your soft and increasingly tender skin. It was the promise of an evening to yourself, spent laid serpentine or spread out legs flayed, dressed only in the complementary hotel bathrobe, being free without guilt to eat a whole sidecar of pre-bought junk food in front of premium access television that was enough for some of Sarah Lyn’s peers to actually lie to their significant others about the required number of mandatory days allocated per monthly quota so as to run up the overtime spent servicing corporate clients for weeks on end.

Yet for S.L. Hale, the Beijing office granted her certain comforts that the business funded excursions couldn’t match. It wasn’t so much the knowledge that her own private, non-hot-desked cubicle would be there and unused and that everything it contained, from her personally stocked cabinet drawer of Gel-Rite Obsidian brand roller pens to the single roll of scotch tape that she used to quickly remove ill-conceived notes from off her notebook (hating the use of liquid paper for its thick and obvious corrections that if anything drew more attention to themselves than covered any errors up from attentive eyes), it was more that the office’s ideal location was situated safely two subway stops away in opposing directions from fairly important locations in her current, daily life. Line 10 to the right took her back home, the subway almost spilling out onto the doors of her gated and severely exclusive residential complex, and two stops on line 1 from the same interchanging station would place her at the doorsteps of the McKerry’s International Healthcare Centre, where O&S had commandeered a fairly sweet deal on international level medical coverage for all of their fourteenth floor employees.

Miss Hale had, after the first tentative year, felt no discernable qualms about subsequently maxing out her annually designated maximum expenditure, employing O&S swift direct billing service in streamlining her near weekly membership to those faces regularly seen at McKerry’s. She had pre-booked and attended a great deal of general and/or specific body checks with their dedicated staff of general practitioners, EMT specialists, cardio consultants and neurologists, many of said check ups she would confess were, if being truly and sincerely honest with herself, known to be before calling to arrange them, wholly superfluous and entirely unnecessary.

The real draw however for Miss Hale, was that treatment at McKerry’s really did live up to the overused abbreviation of treating you as if you were very important to them and a real and actualised person whom they wanted to take care of and look after in all sorts of small but meaningful ways. S.L. Hale had fairly quickly realised that more than the treatments themselves, or the reassuring memos emailed off to the offices of O&S immediately after a check up had been completed, reassuring her that everything was fine or that nothing was found, occasionally using S.L.H.’s near favourite word clear (beyond the word clear, Sarah Lyn more frequently enjoying including the words broil, incapacitate and capillary though she could not accurately tell you why nor justify beyond the unadulterated enjoyment of their phonetics as to why she liked these words as much as she did) it was in fact the personalised experience of having a dedicated nurse dressed in what looked not unlike Shanghai turn of the century nurse’s uniforms, decorated timelessly with starched corners and a pointed white paper hat, walk you from comfortable seat to sofa, offering you dispensable paper cones of cooled, hyper-mineralised water that she found so incredibly warm and satisfying. She knew by now all of the nurses by their individual, non-badged names and liked to think that should she show up without prior-appointed arrival, they would not only be able to pull her own title from the either, but would do so with a welcomed smile to their otherwise inconsequential afternoon.

following on from the famously catastrophic missteps such as Li Hong’s Premium Sorghum Wine being labelled as able to “Strip the skin from off your ancestor’s insides” to the widely published campaign by Song, Yau, Meng who promised to instil “Stronger foundations into national orifices”

Since the 1980’s expansionism of the Chinese domestic market, a full on nepotistic scramble had taken place in one of the primary few near untouched economic resources that could be said to be worth of global status. What had previously been not only domestically inward facing, but also nationally monopolised, suddenly found itself open to export any given number of minimally regulated products overseas, paying little in the way of production overheads, labour fees or surplus costs. And so with this there came a need for brand names and logos, adverts and marketing pamphleteers that read with the same kudos and conviction of the original Chinese text line. During this early and highly explosive period of international competition, the vast majority of companies in an ill-conceived vein to save a little yuan, shipped out their translations to in-house individuals who may/may not have embellished more than a little their own L2 English language proficiency. So, following on from the famously catastrophic missteps such as Li Hong’s Premium Sorghum Wine being labelled as able to “Strip the skin from off your ancestor’s insides” to the widely published campaign by Song, Yau, Meng who promised to instil “Stronger foundations into national orifices”, many tabled CEO’s began realising the apparent need for someone a little bit more in the linguistically technical know how, and so turned to outsourcing their commercial translators for major international campaign lines.

The second flaw in the story however, came due to the fact that a great many of these translators also didn’t have the real-world skills to do that much better of a job and so looking to account for what were steadily becoming rather favourable pay checks at the end of each month, they began to scour the academic field’s journals in search of a means to justify what it was that in the end was all they were capable of producing. Most agencies therefore fell back onto the popular Germanic 70’s Skopos; a theory that essentially summarised meant that solid ends thereby justify the means (go see: Vermeer, go see: Nord). This gave said translators a blunt sword to lexically hack away at whatever the original source text included so long as the translation brief given by the client was loosely adhered to. No longer did it mater that the original domestic brand name cited “confusion ideals” and “filial virtue”. Knowing todays American youth-orientated market, why not slap on some cut + paste plagiarised lyrics from an obscure Chuck Berry B-Side in order to (in) correctly acclimatise it to its new 1st world target audience? However, this still lead to a pretty heavy dose of socio-cultural brand miscommunication, with toothpaste brands unintentionally citing the feminist black power movement of a bygone era (“Black sister has the power”) to a non-amphetamine synthesized diet pill promising to make you “Not quite as fat as obese” if you persisted with its recommended daily dosage.

And seeing how this market was ostentatiously shifting from Japan to China in the early 1980’s, Karl K. Oburst decided partnered up with George Shaym, whose own South Indian translation firm had been making keen mafioso killings of its own domestic competitors, and set to wooing a collective drunken and well-fed entourage of mid-to-high level Chinese bureaucrats in the industry heavy north end of the People’s Republic of China. But it wasn’t until K. K. Oburst happened to stumble across a newly accredited theory of translation that the firm really lifted themselves stellar above the shoulders of their rivals.

A slightly perverse and not too secret a known fact about Karl Oburst (see: both the male and female toilet cubicles of the fourteenth floor of O&S, the graphic illustrations in the men’s room stalls being of a more detailed nature, while the punch lines in the women’s are inarguably better), was that in order to be able to complete his mandatory 6 a.m. ablutions, he had to be actively (see strenuously) engaged in reading aloud to himself one of several university press restricted publications, namely The Modern Translator, Translation and the Act of Transformative Equivalence or most likely, if the previous evening’s meal was protein heavy and rich in poly-saturated animal storage: Translation as Transcendental Enlightenment and the Lexis of the Soul (which carried by far the least committed readership and so had to spend a good third on their pages in appealing for academically sincere charitable donations) in order to complete the purpose of the visit and so go about his day.

It was, while scanning the pages of January’s TTELS that Karl Oburst came across the newly postulated theory of Ecological Transformative Non-Equivalence, which initially at its intellectual genesis was little more than a mishmash of the various contemporarily popular approaches to objective real-world translation studies (if there can ever be said to be such a thing) by a post-grad student located in Hong Kong Normal University, who rather than formulate his own mastery thesis, had simply taken the key buzzwords from three of that semester’s lectures and ploughed them roughly together, figuring that he could work out later what it all meant and what it was that he was actually saying.

And arguably the post-graduate succeeded, for K. K. Oburst was extremely taken with the holistic approach to translation that the article proposed. It suggested, that in order for any act of translation to be deemed authentically valuable, then the translator must act as meditative vessel, rather than composer, between the agent (see: paying client) and the intertwining spheres of a) the decreasing sphere of influence (the source text’s socio-cultural lexical content) and b) the arising sphere of affirmation (the translated text’s own lexical/cultural connotative meanings). That the translator should do this by being in the very presence of the instigator (see: agent/see: client) but should understand their translation brief not only through a series of detailed interviews with pre-tested questioners and a detailed algorithmic decompartalisation of the company’s previous advertisement audiences, but rather through a weekend of lower-back pain inducing, intense group meditations, along which the required Taoist monk might be required (or your most monkish looking staff intern who doesn’t see posing as a holy disciple as too demeaning to any sort of principles that he/she might affirm to), in order to truly understand not what the instigator thinks the translated campaign should contain, but what the product itself wishes to say.

While mockery did of course arrive in spades to the spam laced inbox of O&S during the initial proposes of this approach, it was only after the successes of Promod pharmaceuticals, Litchi Delicious beverages and Mei Yao Software Solutions did others really start to take note of O&S and watch them with an increasing distrust towards this new spiritually washy take on what had previously been thought of as simple language acquisition. This is not to say of course, that any of the fourteenth floor employees of O&S actually, sincerely believed in what they were doing. Most had been drafted in from other various sectors of language testing, expat English teaching or international business schools and came to O&S with limited to zilch translation experience, held a brazen understanding of Mandarin Chinese (enough to perhaps order a pizza and get only half the toppings wrong) and were then trained and dolled up through O&S’s notably surface/appearance obsessed training program with the savvy gleam of international prowess. But these were the brave few that Karl and George decided would be best suited to this new ostentatious venture. In part directly because their lack of translatory experience and therefore any given respect for the doctrine, the new employees of S&O took to their new positions as syntax gurus and lexical mystics with ease and were soon sitting lotus posed on office room floors throughout the four stations in the north east region, the new offices having been purchased so that the instigator (see: client) might be more easily able to meet with their vessel face to face.

Each week there ran a poll, a running collection to see who could incorporate that week’s word of the moment into their current ascribed project. For the week of July 23rd, which once again found Sarah Lyn Hale siting in the waiting room, this time in line to see Dr John Stallman, McKerry’s very own EMT specialist consultant, the word was tarnation. The chosen word was selected at random from Eric Mascari’s Madagascar Madness theme park gift shop souvenir coffee cup that contained thin slivers of paper on which every member of staff allocated to work that week should write a particular word in the hopes they might be selected (S.L. Hale had punted for incapacitate for what seemed like sixteen successive weeks and had as of yet had no such luck in being plucked from the offensively garish mug whose sides where detailed with goggle eyed animals atop a phallic looking log flume). That the method of delivery was so very childish party game-esque in its nature was intentionally conceived by the staff, who believed that should they ever be caught in the act, they could simply claim that they were following moral No.3 of Mr Oburst own personally crafted manifesto, which he had blown up and blasted across the south facing wall of the fourteenth floor, the third rule of O&S being:

“Remember the child in you who stared at the TV during commercials, and knew that if he could not and did not immediately have that thing and only that thing, then the world would cease to love him and he would reject it evermore.”

Mr K.K. Oburst would never have claimed, he later stated when being interviewed alongside G. Shaym for a small-time industry brand periodical, that he particularly valued succinctness when it came to delivering his company message.

The word tarnation had been written on one of the tiny slivers of paper and deposited into the coffee stained mug by Eli Hickman. Not only could he honestly state that he enjoyed the word and that it gave him great satisfaction to say it quickly, elongating the stressed consonant, but he did so also for when it came time to select the word for the week of July 23rd, Eli had found himself thinking of his parents dilapidated town house in Ohio state, and of the local electrician (though perhaps not originally qualified by trade) who found it impossible to cease talking while working on whatever electrical fault it was that you had asked him all the way out for. When the first of many non-lethal shocks would enter his body, the octogenarian craftsman would leap back from the socket and inadvertently shout tarnation. He would then return to the socket with minimal/no recognition towards either the shock or the expulsion of the word and the spell, young Eli found, was captivating.

“You see, the problem with turning up the soil too much is tarnation it doesn’t retain any of its natural lustre. So that when you come to seed it the following tarnation don’t nothing grow there till its too late, you see?”

And so the gauntlet had been set and the twelve translation vessels scheduled to work that week had gone out into the field, balling the world around in their skulls, pre-empting how they might figure it in to whatever sort of mindless mid-level plastics factory floors they were about to spend a weekend on, lighting incense and asking about target revenues. This was the task that Sarah Lyn Hale was also internally debating, while she sat and waited for Dr J. Stallman’s previous patent to finish up and stop eating into her valuable lunch hour before she had to return to the fourteenth floor and run copy for an online video hosting network that had chosen the overly cutesy name ShoSho.

The reason behind Sarah’s visit to Dr Stallman, was that she had, over the previous week, developed not a ringing in her ears, but what might be described as a rumble, not dissimilar to that of a dense electrical storm, heard someplace far off in the horizontal distance. The sound wasn’t piercing or loud and didn’t affect her at work or at home the way she’d read similar conditions had affected others. Not one to listen to loud music via headphones, nor swim in non-five star hotel pool water, she was less inclined to believe it to be an infection, or tinnitus, or any sort of damage to the drum or inner ear. And yet there it was; this low, gently reverberating sound like a baritone voice being sung two hallways down.

“Miss Hale, good afternoon once again. Sit up here will you please. Is it the sound again Miss Hale?”


“Still drumming away is it?”


“Well now, lets take a looksee shall we.”

Dr Stallman leaned Sarah’s head to the left and began to inspect her ears. She closed her eyes and gently exhaled as she felt his breath, not distastefully on her neck. She considered for a moment that if she thought how he had seen other patients before her already in the a.m. and would see more in the hours of the afternoon, long after she had returned to her own office and therefore was not here to sit in this chair and be inspected so closely, the thought would have left her feeling somehow hurt and slightly cheated. And so Sarah L. H. decided not to think, and instead allowed her fists to unclench on the arms of the plastic coated vinyl chair. Before he turned her head clockwise to peer into her right ear, he paused and rested himself on the edge of the vacuum table beside her.

“Miss Hale, would you mind if I told you what happened to me this morning?”

“I guess. Yes, I would like that.”

“Well you see, this city for all its size, gives me the privilege of being able to walk from my domicile, that is my house, my home, to my work, here, where I am with you now. Here. It’s a short, fifteen-minute walk, along a single road, a rather large one really, with bridges of a more complex nature than I care to understand. And yet there is always such a large amount of, well…”

“Please, amount of?”

“Of Shit, Miss Hale. Lets call it what it is, shall we? Shit. Faecal matter. Defecation either from one significantly large dog or that of a very well fed infant. But there it is, every day; shit. Outside, there in the sunlight, immovable by the strongest of downpours, lying hidden in wait under soot coated snow. But it’s there, it’s always there.”

“I see,”

“But the thing is, the damned thing, is that it moves every day. It can never be counted on to be in the same place twice. It’s like a chessboard that every night gets violently shaken and then the following morning all of the pieces are in different and unexpected places. How am I supposed to play, Miss Hale? How I am supposed to compete?

“It sounds unfair.”

“Exactly Miss Hale, unfair is exactly the word. But then so you see, the only way that I can avoid all of this…this shit, is to constantly stare down at the ground, bent over like a crane inspecting the waters. Walking like this and being as tall as I am, I look ridiculous Miss Hale. I look absurd. A joke.”

“And this upsets you?”

“No, not at all. Life throws us all our own amount of shit to duck and weave past; I know this as well as anyone who has managed to survive this long. No what upset me was that yesterday, while I was walking (neck bent down, face almost inches from the pavement) this motorcyclist, one of those eclectic Vespa-type things, he was driving on the pavement and had to swerve violently to avoid colliding with me.”

“Jesus. Was he angry?

“He was Miss Hale. Incredibly so.”

“Did he shout at you?”

“Loudly, in many ways that I did not understand.”

“So this is what upset you? The driver, shouting at you?”

“No Miss Hale, that didn’t upset me. As I said, a man of my age has been shouted at many times before. It’s not something that comes to bother us anymore, the world of others, things said in haste.”

“Then what was it?”

“He just seemed, Miss Hale, to be so…so sure of himself in the world. So confident in that ah, what’s the word? That solipsistic view. That the world had done in wrong in placing me before him. And that I, hapless an inconvenience, was easily understood as different to him and as alien and not part of the whole damn thing. I envied that. His being apart from me. I envied his confidence that he mattered, mattered more because he saw it so. I wanted to be that sure of myself as being there and being present. I wanted to be him, at that precise moment, I surely did…”

“Dr Stallman?”

“There are so many things, Miss Sarah, that I don’t think I want to learn,”


“Yes Miss Hale, your ears seem not to be blocked and there’s no damage to the inner ear nor the drum, so I’m going to prescribe some B12. Rest, and come back in a week and we’ll take it from there. I know that Dr Julian (See neurologist) would be happy to see you again if we have to progress further. It’s been a pleasure Miss Hale, as always.”


Lattanzio-6To alleviate the intense boredom that comes with near chronic insomnia, Sarah L. Hale
has found that she enjoys writing emails under fictitious addresses to previous clients in the guise of international diplomats and foreign dignitaries. Conducted either at night or primed and then picked over in the early morning, these messages are long and often purposefully unyielding so as to leave the addressee feeling stranded and strangely bewildered before they’ve managed to reach the end. This is not by accident. The central goal of Sarah Lyn Hale’s covert emails is to leave the reader in the self-same state that she is that through the act of writing them trying to escape. That after the editing and sending off of one of these pieces of ill-informed and seriously misleading texts she feels ever so weightless and free and able to breath in a way that is clearer and more rewarding than any other point she can recall within her adult life is a notable feature as to explaining what makes this habit so increasingly dominant within her free and private time. She has, over the period of just the last six months alone, allowed herself to be many other people. In consideration of the tone, S. L. Hale has discovered that she predominantly likes to assign herself the textual voice of men, often in their late forties, as this allows her a briskness that might not be condoned unless it came from a well-stocked, wide shouldered male who had reached the crescent peak of his working career and was comfortable enough with his large physical form, believing that his wife would never fail to find him if not attractive then at least sturdy and that invaluable quality “reliable” and so doesn’t really give a damn anymore about what he says or whether the rest of the world chooses to accept it. It has also not gone without Sarah Lyn Hale’s attention, that this is the persona that allows her to be least like herself in almost all available respects.

Besides the portly middle-managerial type, Sarah has also staged herself as a journalist, fact checking for the Washington Post who inquired at a local TV station if they had managed to secure any more accurate figures as to the swarm of espa mandarini that seemed to have absconded to mainland China, tired of its idiomatically associated pray of Mongolian Yaks in favour for the well-fed dignitaries of the nation’s capital.

Have you noticed in increase in necrosis, cardiac arrests or other forms of public haemorrhaging?

what was the embassy’s literature suggesting its expat’s should do when met face to face with a curious but perhaps possibly lethal pig?”

The reporter had asked, amidst a 2,000-word explanation as to why the insects had bypassed other nearer Southern cities in favour of the Capital of China (Virulent anti-Sinoism? She has postulated). She also often favoured emails sent from the correspondence of a Mr G. Lea, a public heath expert dividing his time between working the college lecture circuit and performing heroic acts of civic duty in terms of pre-emptively warning those are risks of national outbreaks. It was Dr G. Lea who had recently asked a local (country’s) embassy high-ranking official for the procedure on how to distribute information on protecting their country’s expatiate population from the resent outbreak of Zoonotic diseases. The email drew attention to the experimental introduction of HEV (See: Hep E) to swine in Russia in the 1990’s. Lea noted that similar following studies conducted by both the US and Nepal had found a good 33% of the pigs in the Kathmandu Valley had retained the condition and though differing from previous strains of the disease, the newly introduced version was not incompatible with HEV US-1 and -2. While the risk was still technically sub-clinical and required a great deal of contact with the animals, given the lack of subsequent analysis as to how transportation of the virus could technically hop into the larger human population, what with the overall lack of meat-industry safety/hygiene standards generally practiced, what was the embassy’s literature suggesting its expat’s should do when met face to face with a curious but perhaps possibly lethal pig?

Lea’s own personal advice was to execute the animal in order to minimise the risk of further, more far reaching infection, but that the brave individual willing to risk his own personal safety for the protection of others, needed to be:

Far enough away from the animal should any ensuing bloods splatter or bacterial off-spray reach their clothes or skin or godforsaken be ingested

And so it was here, somewhere towards the end of yet another excessively long email, that Lea suggested the best and most minimal re: personal risk method to exterminate the possibly lethal domesticated farmland animal, was to:

Lure it underneath a large multi-lane bridge, possibly via a trail of offal or perhaps even salted dog treats would do, and then climb the stairs of the bridge while the animal gorges itself on the strategically positioned pile of said meat snacks and drop a significantly large and seriously heavy block of concrete onto the animal’s masticating face.

Just two nights prior to June 23rd’s midday consultancy with Dr Stallman, Sarah had again awoken the voice of G. Lea, who this time had sent multiple emails, a risky first time venture, for with every additional contact address CC’d in (all stolen from O&S intra-net system of company contacts) there grew exponentially the chance that one of them might happen to call and ask another as to where and how they had first heard of a Dr G. Lea, and with a quick (non) firewall guarded search would have found little to indicate that there had ever been such a person in existence. It could however, also land on the other side, towards Miss Hale’s favour in that seeing the extensive lists, on which there was guaranteed to be someone more important or high-ranking or possibly more in the know than the one reading the email and therefore the individual might treat it with greater importance and less like irrelevant spam that if it had been sent to them alone.

On the evening of July 21st, Dr G. Lea’s pertinent distress call was to warn all of those relevant, that a vast cloud of opportunistic pathogens was approaching the capital. Originating in the killing sheds of Beijing’s outer regions, the aggressively militant form of Psudomonas aeruglinosa or Psudo a. for short, as G. Lea referred to it throughout the rest of the extrapolating email, was a highly resistant pathogen, multi-drug strong and one that brought with it all kinds of hospital over-crowing symptoms such as pneumonia and various unpleasant sepsis-like ilk. With the nearby locations of Hebei, Shandong and Henan providing a good 21.6% of China’s overall pork production, G. Lea suggested that the resulting tide of sickness, ill-health and child/elderly death could be catastrophic. The real concern, he continued to state, was that the pathogen seemed to have become increasingly resilient to all the usual forms of decontamination and now the domestic and international medical community (of which he considered himself to be a pillar of) had little to no real idea as to the true limit or array of side effects that infection might lead to. It is, in essence, he stated via line 206 of the increasingly distressing email:

A very dangerous grey zone to be in,

If reaching the kidneys, lungs or other bodily tracts, the effects could be lethal, concluded Dr G. Lea as Sarah Lyn Hale breathed out with a deep sigh of relief, feeling the chair already begin to drift from out beneath her as she pressed send and watched the email dissipate freely away from her control.

“And you’re still not sleeping?”

Diane Reed asked as she and Sarah listened to the fountainous spray of a municipal truck, as it slowed down to douse the street’s central line of Robina bushes, her question lost under the churning sound of the vehicle’s emptying tank and so not heard.

“And the sound?”

“The sound is still there.”

“What’s it like, exactly?”

“Like something very far away and still very near.”

“Stallman is good,”

Diane added, while examining the length of her own cigarette to that of Sarah’s, the internal calculations of how much more time they had left to spend outside visible behind her expression.

“Did you tell you about the accident he had? The motorcyclist?”

“He said that the driver nearly hit him.”

“Ah, so it’s become a near miss now. I’m sure by tomorrow the driver won’t even make it up onto the concrete?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Stallman, John rather. He and I share the idea of reductionism in our daily life. I’ve been doing rather well lately so it’s not surprising he has to out do me. Competitive son of a bitch. I managed to redact last week’s horrific presentation with Lagra plastics and so of course he goes and makes a whole near-catastrophic ‘questioning of self-type event thing’ just slowly sink back into the either. I’m sure the cocky prick won’t even be able to remember telling it to you in a week.”

“You talk to Dr. Stallman, privately?”

“Its more like we try not talking. Talking leads to the exposition of details, emotional mapping, plotting out territorial states of being. We both attend these group meetings, he and I, where the whole purpose is to try and put all of those things behind us.”

“I had no idea,”

“Good, that’s a start. Now, take your condition for example. I’m really breaking the whole code here by going into it but what the hey. So, sleeplessness, palpitations of the heart, impeding hypochondria, it’s not good. Would you say that you’ve been feeling anxious?”

“Anxious, yes. Maybe,”

“Anxiety, this is not good. It carries with it implications. Implications of mental unrest, of medication, of coping strategies. All of these things are undesirable yes?”

“I would rather not feel this way, yes.”

“So Anxiety, the word itself; get rid of it. Retract if from your internalized lexis, your own personal dictionary. Gone. It never existed. Now, if the word is not here, then neither are all of those things above. Do you follow?”

“So, what am I feeling?”

“Say ‘ill at ease’, or better yet, oh yes say weltschmerz, god yes say that.”

“Isn’t that just as bad?”

“Oh honey no, it’s just a stand in, just for now, for while you’re getting anxiety out of the world. Weltschmerz is currently neutral, a newborn word from your lips. Have you told anyone that you’re suffering from weltschmerz?”


“And when you do, it’s time for that word to be extinguished too. And then another and another, until life becomes incredibly simpler.”

“Then how to describe to others what you’re feeling?”

“I’m sorry honey, I don’t understand. Tell them what?”

Diane’s cigarette had long since been extinguished, and now along with Sarah’s too being stubbed out against the side of the building’s wall, she took her arms intertwined back towards the lobby entrance hall towards the fourteenth floor.

“Most people, they spend so much time trying to grow and improve things, speech especially. They want to sound confident, certain, the master of their own thoughts. But really, how can that ever be achieved? Let it go, just one little word at a time. It’s so much simpler in the end.”


On the morning of July 25th, the local district officials for all major districts of the metropolitan Beijing area went into action of an immediate kind. They closed schools, placing helmeted security guards by the entrances and staffing additional areas with non-certified volunteers (mostly reaching the end of their fifties) to whom they gave arm bands that safety pinned onto their shirts and allowed them to stand outside and smoke like they would do any other non-critical day only this time with an additional sense of purpose and self-worth. Admittance to all hospitals were limited, with many being turned away at the gates, limping to the roadside to hail taxis that would never arrive, their drivers having been forced to stay at home under penalty of lost licenses, leaving all inter-city roadways eerily empty like the track before a race. Personal cars were allowed accessibly on the street only if accompanied with sufficient documented ID that declared the driver to be resident of the city limits and only then if the individual could prove they had reason to be there, which of course many could not, and after the first dozen or so public arrests went viral on various networks of social media, those already out in their cars with their children in tow, quickly u-turned back home, not wishing the privilege of driving to be revoked. Children wore facemasks for the first time indoors and ate only instant food that was hermetically sealed in plastic before July 2017. Said food was consumed quickly, before the masks were hurriedly slipped back on, the elastic over the ears leaving bruised red track marks that the kids would compare at school the following day. There was a noticeable absence of persons in the street. Those of a more conscientious nature sealed the rims of their windows with reels of blue duct tape, while others took the day to stay at home and watch TV, or better yet play with their phones for hours without interruption. For Sarah Lyn Hale, the day was most forgotten. She spent over half of it asleep, finally having rocked herself down from the high and tense feelings she had been having the previous day by sending off yet another two emails, this time as the representative from an insurance agency informing her client, who happened to be a prominent Capital news broadcaster, that his claim had gone through and he would be soon awarded absolute and total damages. The central thrust of the email had no so much this time been about the details of the case, of which Sarah had spent little time recounting to him (for surely he would already know) but it was more concerned with being slightly unprofessional in inadvertently telling the recognizable broadcaster that she was sorry, that she could not imagine what it was to have gone through such terrible loss. That it was, in her words, only unimaginable to then continue and to find ways of maintaining and of coping after such an ordeal, all of which was geared to hopefully make the local journalist query and internally question what it was that the real/intended recipient of the email was supposed to have gone through and then perhaps leave him with a gnawing, sickening discomfort of having been via Munchausen’s proxy a part of this person’s whole emotional upheaval and stolen moment of release.

Sarah L. H. ended up sleeping so late that after she had woken and washed and eaten a little of what was cold and already cooked stored in the fridge, it had already begun to grow dark, and while the curfew had been lifted, the absence of people out on the street was in nowhere near as profound as it had been around midday, when apart from the turning over of traffic lights, there had been little movement outside at all. After opening her inbox and finding there on the top of the list an email from her father checking in for a call via Skype, Sarah connected and waited for her father to pick up. She dressed herself from the waist upwards, so as not to upset her father, but left her hair disheveled and pulled back, as this was how he had seen his teenage daughter most often when just awoken and still half asleep and so she did not feel like trying to come across as any more presentable.

“Daughter of mine, are you there?”

“I’m here. You can hear me?”

“No. The connection’s fine.”


“Good, things are good. There is news and things are progressing. I’m thinking of removing the carpet from the halls,”

“You said in the email that it was important, the reason for the call”

“When is there not something important? All the time, everyday, I see importance all around me. I sense it. Yesterday with the carpet…”

“Dad. I mean with me. To talk to me,”

“You’ve not been outside today have you? Keeping indoors, windows closed and all that?”

“I’ve been indoors. Working. Why?”

“I don’t know but maybe if I’m six hours behind on other side of the planet and I saw it, I thought maybe you’d know what I was talking about. This inattention to the details of your own life, it makes me worry sometimes…”


“The news. It said the whole of Beijing; shut down, just like that. It’s incredible really, that the people would listen to their government so completely, to such an extreme. It’s impressive really, impressive but terrifying perhaps.”

“It’s nothing. It’s a mistake. The government does this sometimes, checks to weigh its sense of control over things.”

“Well, it worked! Very well I’d say. What is the view like from your window? Tell me.”

“It’s the same I guess. Cloudy, street’s a little empty, its nothing.”

“It looked serious on the TV”

“It’s the way they describe it. It’s nothing.”

“I remember being locked inside during the demonstrations of 82. Bunch of far right fascists, brutes really. Marching and marching. They threw Molotov cocktails made from beer bottles in the streets. Half of them never went off. Poorly made things. It felt so good the next day, being out of the house, so freeing, like being released from a cage,”

“You told me that story. But it’s not really the same, it’s nothing like it.”

“I just don’t trust what it is people say.”

“That maybe is not so unwise.”

“And then so you’re sleeping better? More rested, being inside all day? The anxiety is getting better?”

“Yes. I mean, no. Not anymore, I mean it’s getting better. That’s what I meant to say.”

“The doctor told you that?”

“No, he… he said weltschmerz.”

“Come again?”

“weltschmerz. It’s called weltschmerz. That’s the word for it.”

“Weltschmerz, I used to know this word. Hang on, I’ll look it up.”

“No, dad, don’t, don’t worry. It won’t last very long.”

“You can do this on your phone now,”

“Please. Don’t.”

“I was always impressed by your use of language. Being able to locate yourself in the word, express yourself. A lot of people struggle with it,”

“It’s late, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t worry now, not now, dear daughter of mine.”


The scheduled client for July 26th was set to arrive at 9:00 a.m. meaning that Sarah L. Hale should be preparing individual meeting room AB, giving her a good fifteen minutes with the authentically stitched tribal blankets, the floor cushions, the un-scrolling of the quasi-non-religious/non-lamaistic Tibetan ceiling to carpeted floor scroll, and finally the lighting of much incense around meeting room AB, more commonly referred to as the blue room (each room’s interior decorating was ultimately the same and so what defined the blue room as ‘blue’, and the adjacent individual consulting room as ‘mauve’ remained a mystery to all but Orbust and George.

By ten, after several concealed micro-packets of wasabi-coated peas (concealed not because of any official non-consumptive office policy, but purely because Sarah L. H. didn’t like other people to watch her eat, less the phobia being tied to her actual eating but more the voyeuristic attention of having someone else actually in the room, there with her, having to masticate with all of the sounds produced, the inhalation and stomach sensations and all that came with it just being too much), it became clear that HeiTian Air Purification Systems were either delayed beyond reason or had never intended to come, both of which Sarah thought about for as little time as possible, before cleaning up the ‘blue’ room and positioning herself once more at her desk, scrolling the months’ previous submitted proposals for further campaign strategies, seeing if there was someplace where retroactively the word tarnation could be inserted.

By 11:30 a.m. the slow drumming inside of Sarah Lyn Hale’s head had so increased, that the Gel-Rite Obsidian rollerball pen on the left-hand corner of her own private cubical seemed to be vibrating in resonance to the bass tone that only Sarah L. H. could possibly be hearing. Diane Reed had dropped by Sarah’s proposing the possibility of a cigarette and an iced, branded coffee, one with lots of cream and refined sugar served in a tall and domed plastic glass and Sarah had been forced to dismiss the conversation, trying to explain that the noise in her ears was making it not only hard to hear, but also to actually get speech out herself, given the impossibility of hearing her own voice over the drone.

“Honey, see Dr. Stallman again. Your appointment this morning cancelled right? He really is so very good at disappearing.”

“Come again?”

“Making these things disappear.”

So it was that Sarah scrolled through her contacts and once again made an emergency appointment at the McKerry’s IHC for that afternoon, and soon was sipping mineralized water from a paper cone outside of the office of Dr Stallman. The hallway contained only two chairs, on which sat Miss Hale and another woman who held beside her a stroller, though the infant child was out of the chair and highly active, entertaining himself with a newly discovered game. The game was to steal, or just maybe to take, the potted geranium from the table next to the receptionist’s desk and run around the corner, out of sight behind the intrusive wall of Stallman’s narrow corridor office. Then when she, the receptionist, stood up to come over and return it, the boy would run back and place it before the table where she would have to bend down, pick it up and place it back next to the rack of company info-magazines and glossy bejeweled tissue dispenser. Sarah watched the boy run back towards the table again, the drum in her ears eclipsing everything but the complaints of the nurse at reception and the dull thud of the boy’s trainers on the carpet as he ran once again out of sight. The nurse said something to the boy’s mother and Sarah watched as the mother mouthed something inaudible, her face seeming exhausted and drawn with thick lines of sleep, and so when the boy returned once again to steal the plant pot, Sarah considered jutting her right foot out and placing it accurately in front of the boy’s trainers to trip him up, hopefully catching the terracotta end of the potted plant, perhaps not someplace fatal, but certainly scaring and memorable. The office door of Dr. Stallman then became open as he appeared, guiding a gentleman out by a hand on the shoulder.

“If these things don’t seem to be real, why let should we let them trouble us, hum?”

The man pointed to his ear.

“Yes well, that either will get better, or it won’t. Either way yes? Miss Hale, or should it Sarah by now, please come in,”

Sarah Lyn Hale lay back on the familiar examining chair and exhaled a sigh of genuine relief. She was glad that she was here, not still in the office, and felt welcomed and once more again in a familiar and recognizable place.

“The ear yes?”

She nodded, as Dr. Stallman began inspecting the inner corridors of her ear.

“Not that good, I’m afraid. If indeed the drumming is still there. It is still there, isn’t it Sarah?”

“What? Yes.”

“What about if I talk this loud? Can you hear me now?”


“Not just something we want to be wrong is it? A little hypersensitivity? No? Damn. Oh well. Worth a try.”

“I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

“My fears are here being realized my dear. It’s not good, not at all. Psudomonas aeruglinosa. Big P, little a, that’s how I always remember it. But it’s really not good I’m afraid.”

“I haven’t done anything to it. I haven’t even touched it since last time. That I’ve a good patient, perfectly complicit.”

“Yes well you see, that’s all good and fine. But the issue is, is that the last time we were here for a whole different set of problems, weren’t we? Calling it something entirely different now I shouldn’t think. You went out yesterday no? Ignored warnings and the like? Most probably yes?”

“No. Not a step outdoors.”

“Sarah, I think we both realise now that that can’t be true.”

“I didn’t go out yesterday.”

“This condition (lets call it what it is) can be contracted numerous ways, one of which is intrusions into the otitis externa, that’s inner ear to you, by unclean apparatus, but I hardly think that we need examine the root cause any further,”

“Yesterday wasn’t anything. I know this”

“I’m afraid it was Sarah, it was almost definitely was. Because it’s the cause behind what looks to be some permanent damage to about 90% of your hearing, yesterday that is, the alert and all. Saw the name of it, P.a. right there on the news. I thought, ‘I know what that is’. It’s a strange feeling, isn’t it? Feeling informed before being told. Still, we all have our own areas of personal expertise, I’m sure you have your own too.

Dr. Stallman looked down at Sarah, still in the chair, who stared back at him, not saying a word.

“I feel that I am, how shall I say, unequipped now to answer your questions from this point on. We do have a grief councilor here, newly appointed. She’s very good. I go to meetings with her all the time.”

“I just want my ear to be fixed.”

“Not really an option anymore, I’m afraid. But these things happen, don’t they. What’s best is just to move on. Get on with things. Maybe I can tell you something that might help. Last week, I forget the day, I watched a man walking along the side of the road, just staring at his feet, not looking where he was going at all, eyes fixed rigidly on his shoes, or thereabouts. Strange, frightful really, that he could be blocked out, so isolated from the rest of the world. I believe that he was so confused that he had to stare straight down at his feet just to maintain. Think of all the things that he’s missing. Life, just passing him by. But my point is Sarah, if he can continue, to press on, then so can we can’t we? By which I mean you, whatever happens. What do you say?”


When he inhales, the sound is papery and thin. Things move swiftly and are incredibly brief. There is Dettol and pastel blue. Light can be seen, gravitating towards the centre. For approximately twenty-five minutes afterwards, your hands will still smell like mint, no matter how much water you use to rinse, and you rinse well, as you’ve been trained to do. The smell of blood can be metallic and somehow crisp, an astringent. I am worthy of grace, a person in the room might have uttered under their breath. And there was brilliance in the air.


Artwork by Micae Lalattanzio.

Under Wings


It could be seen as an inevitable thing, as solid and real and present as the coffee table, an ornamental feature that was absent of books but littered with magazines. Free magazines with lose articles of advertising packed in neatly between the leaves. Magazines which had been and were routinely given out, passed over the banister at the peak of the upwardly reaching escalator of exit A of their nearest underground station in the upmarket and highly westernised east side of Beijing, near the Sanlitun area.

Yet the facts of this were true to him, like lumps of coal they left a palpable residue on his skin and so his person as he rotated them, curling them over and up against one another till their surface became eventually smooth and gentle. Facts just as fine and caustic and darkly fearful as another small boy might fear night terrors of wild animals, deranged and free having escaped from neglected zoos, or furious purple bolt lighting, the colours made garish and otherworldly by the combination of high congestions of urban heavy metal 2.5 pollutants and the natural chaos of a thunder storm, to the kind that cracked and whipped down upon various points in the middle distance with a cruel kind of teasing about the way it licked the city’s mountainous limits. That the young boy’s bare legs came up to the base of the table concerned him, as he reached that extremely anxious and uncomfortable age and the awareness of his growing and maturing presented the Boy with an increased dimension of urgency to his already fixated obsession. The facts were that the boy sincerely felt, that time was obviously limited and that his was far more limited than most.

For his couch to television positioning, now the decision would have to be made as to whether to sit upright, vertical and straight, move the table further away, or even insolently prop his feet up upon its marbled Birchwood and glassy concave dip. The Boy of course would do none of these, choosing instead to simply stop watching T.V. But this was the conclusion that he was already reaching, without really having even considered the table at all. Fixated bodies all after all, tend to give furniture and comfort very little time or consideration.

so as the young child interviewee looks both deeply meaningfully and somehow vaguely absent at the same time into the eye of the camera, the Boy once again begins to question, whether the face he is currently observing, is now that of a frozen body, an expression that is now dead

Our Boy was watching a film, downloaded and stored on a USB in the shape of a mouse that was plugged into a custom designed socket by the side of the set. It was one that he watched already, many times in fact. Therefore, this was a recording that he could watch with a kind of familiarly boredom that felt somehow comforting and indeed safe. The USB drive was at all non-watching times kept safe in a cabinet by his computer, and the drive’s socket to be blown free from dust before each usage. After finishing a quick snack of name brand and expensively purchased rice cakes, topped with rough peanut butter, both of which the Father bought to make the kitchen cabinets (those that he never actually opened to visiting guests, but still believed that their presence would be felt) seem more cosmopolitan, believing that a strict dietary emphasis would connect the Huang family vicariously to New York joggers and smoothie makers half way across the world, joggers living and running in a country that he himself had not yet had the opportunity to experience, and rice cakes and rough peanut butter that he himself would never acutely eat. This snack the Boy sometimes washed down with cold and sugary ice tea or the thinnest watery milk possible.

He would soon release the images and their resonating sound up onto the screen and recline to the cool wave of the opening credits washing over and descending upon him through the room’s five tiered speaker system, set up by the Father to create the absolute and perfectly harmonious balance between the output of the medium and a person’s limited ability to intake. The Father, sometimes late at night, forgetting that he had a family and over a hundred neighbours sharing the same tower block, loved to use the system to entertain his incredibly important late night visiting guests, normally portly businessmen with solidifying dinner stains still on their shirts and baijiuo spirit wine still on their breathes, by employing the attractive and very impressive speaker system, to bolt out stunning renditions of all the current KTV favourites, for he was in fact quite the talented vocalist.

All the carful considerations of the room had been lengthily undertaken by the Father, through months of meticulous planning interposed with sporadic flourishes of inspired and chaotic change. Just because a ceiling-to-floor wall mounted decorative woodcarving had already been measured, positioned and mounted, didn’t appear to the Father to present any significant reason why it could not be turned 90 degrees and shifted four inches to the left before the rice for lunch had boiled. As the events coordinator for the Beijing Foreign Experts Investment Buru, whereas his own father had himself been an iron ore distillation worker, a job that caused his own life expectancy to be seriously reduced; last minute simply meant innovation and a clear sign of good fortune. This approach had meant that the colours of the walls, the decade influencing that particular season’s choice of antique period piece furniture had all been moved frequently and with notably sporadic haste. Each time the Father hired a new personal style guru, a partial creature, more of an autonomously leaning cigarette with the stalk of a man or a women attached and dragged begrudgingly behind a trail of feathery ash, these were figures always sheathed in black silk with a single decorative red flower stuck with a pin somewhere on their person, these were those who sneered when the Boy called upstairs to operate the intercom system so as to let the interior decorator inside who was currently waiting by the gate, staring into its fish eye lens and attempting to make out via the tin pan speakerphone, essentially inaudible dialogue.

Because of this persistent tide of new surfaces and textures, cloths and matted throwback vintage seat covers, the Mother now mostly retired to the bedroom, where she had had installed a small wall mounted television and a kitsch little bedside fridge. She also felt in there more comfortable to smoke, away from the eyes of her son, who could so distinctly smell it leaking through the boards of the floor, slowly setting upon the room like the finest tentative snow. The Boy now only occupied the central communal room between the hours of five and nine, after which his father would arrive having spent another dinner in the company of their employed decorator who would have likely presented him with the latest e-journals on trends and swaying fashions. Both would then arrive in a flurry of strong alcohol and weak ideas. On their best, most inspired nights, the Father would immediately in a slightly over the limit haste begin hacking at the carpet or the curtains with a kitchen knife, not only while shouting back over his shoulder to the thin, chain smoking designer but also inhaling massive quantities of the microscopic fibres being flung into the air until his breathing would become so affected that eventually he would ultimately always feel the need to be sick. By this point in the evening, with the Mother tucked away in comfort nicely under her own covers, the boy would be in his bedroom in close-textual study of the night’s new online articles, headphones pushed firmly in, hard enough so as not to be distracted with his Father’s raising voice and subsequent coughing fits.

The Boy now carefully eyes up the first appearance of tonight’s young child interviewee, a name that he feel by now as if he knows fairly well, if not a little overly intimate due to the incessant and near obsessive re-watching of the pre-recorded AVI sample video. The digital video clip being streamed and then downloaded some four years earlier, but the filming having taken place a significant time prior to the Boy’s discovering of it, so as the young child interviewee looks both deeply meaningfully and somehow vaguely absent at the same time into the eye of the camera, the Boy once again begins to question, whether the face he is currently observing, is now that of a frozen body, an expression that is now dead, that is one of a corpse.

Approximately 256,000 children die from leukaemia in a year, or somewhere within that region. The televised child’s shaved head is so clean and sharp, that you can’t catch a glimpse of any remaining follicles attempting to poke their way back through the skin. It’s as smooth as a doll’s. The televised child is calm when he speaks and this fascinates the viewing Boy. He watches the screen for any slight give away, not a tick no clue, not a sign of the massive repressed anxiety that he is currently undergoing about the whole death process. Even after so many viewings, on this video he remains studious and seriously attentive. The Boy moves his hands nervously, uncomfortable under the backs of his thighs as they are pressed against the couch. He wants to get up, walk to the kitchen and collect a snack-size pack of overly salted peanuts, but doesn’t want to deal the salt that will be left upon his hands. Once he attempted to regulate his dietary intake according to the latest studies and printed statistics on which food groups aided or deflected the possibly of C, but the more the big L began to dwarf more general C fears, the inefficient and general loose terror of C as a whole, the less his diet concerned him. While it was of course not going to help, the occasional binge of brightly packaged snacks, the kind that the plastic crinkles so satisfyingly in your hand as your already oil slick and salted fingers clumsily try to tear them open, seemed a small ask given that such a lamentable fate was most surely set out for his ever nearing future. The Boy can now real off with an internalised index, splatterings of web journals and public hearsay, there is little to no proven evidence between dietary habits and the big L, so there’s no point in denying himself these brief and fleeting pleasures. His desires overcome the whole salt deal nuisance issue and he eventually helps himself to two albeit very bite-sized packs. Meanwhile, on the screen, his filmic counterpart’s immediate family are introduced, both in their capacity as fodder for tiresomely detailed by-the-hospital-bedside montages as their son’s raises yet another brave-but-fearful tear-inducing glance in medium close up direct to camera and in the torrid attempts at homeward bound emotional distress, seemingly always reaching boiling point when there’re in or by the pool located in the gardened exterior to their house. Arguments here rarely seem to occur in other places, their needlessly complicated accommodation, of which the Father would have an obviously more focused attention than the current viewer (our Boy suspects that their exuberant and lavish housing is allowed for us to cast aspersions upon their prior lifestyle pre-son’s C, as the camera too often lingers on the pool, the in-house bar or the suggestive wooden sauna door) is all but ignored unless it withholds a suitably decorative background to add to the on-screen nail biting trembling and suspended lower lips of forced to camera immediate worry and despair.

The secondary reasoning behind the boy’s negation of a carefully controlled and observant diet was that within his daily life, his excursions demanded greater fuel than he was ultimately providing them. He began to lose weight, appearing lethargic and often apathetic towards social interactions. He avoided going out with peer appropriate friends for massive bowls of noodles swimming in a soup of tiny chunks of fatty pork, doused with taste enforcing MSG, or joining the Father in one of their monthly family meals wherein he, the Father, would apologise for his absence, but only within the sober portion of the 1st course.

Nor was it the strained absence from all superfluous interaction that lead the Boy to skip recording the food journals, the notes and the charts, rather it was that they might factor in as a distraction, a smoke screen for greater trouble already residing within. As the Boy had noted within his first week of the early infant stages of his research, the many and varied symptoms, those like really all out in neon screaming signals, the telling signs of the big L were so often vague and difficult to detect or register as not to bother documenting. They could appear perfectly mundane, simple results of a less than healthy or perfectly conducted and coordinated life. Signs such as growing dyspnea or mild pallor the Boy came to worry might be overlooked as mere responses to his valiant and almost monk-like diet and that he or any tired doctor, as a fallible human technician, would simply account his appearance to a form of anaemia, which could be secretly cradling the speculative hand of the big L.

When his eating had become so minimal that the Boy suffered headaches and became routinely doubled over from severe muscle cramps, he eased up some on the overly restrictive diet. Yet it was the subtle expanse within the lymph node area that had lead the boy to demand from his parents that first of many hospital visits, refusing to leave the house or even get properly dressed until they had made the pre-booking call. Though now he vehemently states that he does not remember, he had in fact reached such levels of hysteria, that he had had to begin to regularly enforce a threat of burning down the apartment and had gone as far on one particularly panic stricken evening to ignite a pair of the Father’s favourite crimson silk curtains. They had taken aflame quicker than the Boy really expected them to and continued to drip into the vastly expanding flame, until the Father ran in and pushed his son with the open lighter away, ripping them down from the walls where he stamped upon them with possibly the worse choice of shoes, managing to destroy not only the remainder of the curtains, but also in the process, his favourite pair of American imported hemp sandals. Even before the flames had been fully extinguished, the Father of course had already ran through and mentally considered what could be done with the newly cleared space and after his son had been sufficiently disciplined for his callous but acutely perceptive actions against the poor choice of curtains, for as the father now noted had from the beginning been all-wrong from the colour scheme from the start, he set apart a late night session of drawing of the walls with a pencil, planning out prospective features and layered throw designs.

There is no immediate or neatly defining point as to when or where these ideas began, no ready genesis or point of intellectual gestation. Just that one day the Boy came to realise, as most do at some far later juncture, that he will die.

The Boy cuts through additional sections of the programme that deal with other families in possibly equal states of distress but not that specific topic of interest which the Boy feels might mirror his own developing condition. A thousand faces all multiplying the whitest teeth flash by him in an immediately forgettable succession. Although the documentary has only just begun, the Boy has already begun to consider not finishing it today, for he can recite every single line of dialogue, both from the C infected child and his insincerely mourning parents. The Boy does not like to consider or think about why the parents appear so insincere on screen. He found that the first time he seriously considered this for any significant period of time, his relations with his own parents became that much more additionally stressed, adding an additional layer of anxiety that the Boy just really didn’t need. He’s since found that it’s just easier to hate these specific parents, rather than trying to gain any possibly true but highly painful conclusions from their attitudes or apparent behaviour to their hairless and painfully thin child.

There is no immediate or neatly defining point as to when or where these ideas began, no ready genesis or point of intellectual gestation. Just that one day the Boy came to realise, as most do at some far later juncture, that he will die. Yet within the Boy’s specific case, he was also infinitely and severely palpably aware of how soon his departure would find him. How the arrival would be way before the late date that most people can able to sufficiently convince themselves of in order to aptly acclimatise to this eventual and crushing certainty. The Boy was perfectly resolute, in his bones and tissue much more than his mind or intellectual capacity, that the event would arrive before the later stages of puberty took hold, and most likely within the next two years.

It was perhaps because of this that the big L had taken such centre stage in his early research into childhood fatalities. Within his home in the upscale end of the city, many of the other valid and worthy contenders had come to early elimination. Malnutrition, contaminated water, hereditary blood infection or the lasting descending effects of chemical poisoning were just not as tangible to the Boy. And while the air contamination, a rich basket of polluted PM2.5 particles could indeed be seen as a significant and tangible threat, the Boy just saw all his present poisons as adding or supporting the rise of infant C, that they could not satisfy the boy’s tangible knowledge that death would be a pale and perfect childhood thing. He had scanned his families’ medical records and apart from minor trends in those heart problems of later life, of which he had all but placed upon a similar bend to heavy smoking, long hours and a propensity for alcoholism at expensive restaurants with people such as decorators and high end plastering executives, there was little to inherit. Though he saw the reflected pleasure in knowing quite early on the object and form of which your death will take, with each drink and cigarette a measure of control. But these findings offered little in the way of validation to his present uncertain situation, and of course this boy was raised in the age of C as perfect sister to the late afternoon True Movies channel showing of the terminally ill child, with that perfectly bold head and those angelically shaved eyebrows.

His first panic had involved checking the ridges of his hairline every morning and attempting to measure them clumsily with his school ruler. He then marked the distance from his other facial features in the back pages of his math’s textbook in a spare five minutes before his mother would take him on the underground to school. It was not until the research began had the boy realised that the hair loss, specifically the spectral doll-like loss of the eyebrows, was a result from the following chemotherapy and drug treatment rather than the disease itself, as he had thought not to ask anyone, feeling the question a little too stupid and obviously revealing. Upon his discovery, he had torn out the last ten pages from his textbook and burnt them, terrified that an all too invested dustbin man might for some reason discover them and in absolute disbelief at the stupidity and ignorance of the author, have shown them around the office, then finally pined them to the service station notice board directly next to the tatty and worn out sign-in sheet. The hair studies had long since gone the same way as the dietary requirements, as the Boy began stripping away everything but up to date doctrine and study, the viewing of recorded afternoon C films and the inevitable pleasure in knowing that there was little he could afford to do but wait, swing his feet carefree under the glass surface of the coffee level table which was still missing its collection of photographs and popular interest literature.

That at least one fifth of those who are soon to suffer are undiagnosed is not something that the boy spares little thought to. What is calm and breathable within him is the clarity of his rising illness. There are no spaces left for errors in the moments passing when he envisions hospital wards and the briefest flutter of white curtained sheets. He wonders if he will be upset when he is unable to stand. The thought of many pairs of arms having to lift him up out of bed and into a sparsely cushioned chair is at once an ugly reflection upon his growing return to infancy and a perfect clasping moment of pure love, of many other bodies leaning in with their warmth into his, supporting him, raising him and gently lowering him like a cared for and precious thing. The loss of his bowels and of semi-public defecation doesn’t trouble him. For this he is ready, it’s almost one of the side affects he is willing to embrace. A complete release of responsibility, of forcing himself through the daily acts while still pretending that there is anything decent just because a door of light pinewood is closed, a shabby lock of iron slipped into place. When he sits by his computer in these late nights, the open subscriptions running endless conflicting arguments, new causes and implementations, new treatments and possible remedies, he can almost feel the extremely low frequency waves warming him like the gentle glow of a heated fan, a radiated doughnut of orange flame, bristling up against his skin. The heated base of his laptop, of which he knows is due to its overuse he pictures as this, imagines it’s soft leaking into his skin, riding its way up through the tips of his fingers to his lungs and developing bones. That there is the swelling of a life but within and apart from his own, pulsating richly inside is something close to love. He feels the breathing of all appliances that surround him many of which he trusts, are helping him move steadily and inevitably along.

Acute was the first word that really drew him in. In its notions of easy drive and effortless success the word sounded beautiful and limitlessly stunning. Dreams of speed and dazzling light racing through electrical wiring replaced his boyhood nights of flying. Instead, he pictured microscopic symphonies of unimaginable complexity desiring to circumnavigate the labyrinthine corridors of his nervous system, to defiantly and callously turn his body into lumber. He dreamt of his spine as a vessel, penetrated and infused with rare toxic chemicals brushed with fantasy and unknowing flux. He stayed up late to watch online collections of filmed operations and transplanted procedures for relapsed patients and pictured himself as blind and subordinate to unexplainable and perfect oblivion. He considered what it would be like to feel nothing at all.

And it’s not a fear of dying. That’s never been any part of it. At the beginning the boy sat at the kitchen counter while his mother stood by the frosted living area bay window and considered as to whether he would be sad if she knew he was dying, and decided it was best not to tell her. Only when he had deemed the hospital visits a necessity had he stressed any inclination that anything might be wrong, and even then he kept his inquires brief and confused, forcing them to leave the room when he spoke to the doctor, demanding a specialist. The doctor wanted the family present, but after the curtains and the incident with the fire, both parents had decided to take a slightly more distanced position when their precocious child demanded personal space. The doctor had stressed that in order for an appointment to be made, the parents would have to be present, and it was at this point that the Boy’s research had become internalised to his own room and thoughts. Since then he has let no one interfere. The mother, now stubbing out a cigarette, would give her son a quick smile as she heads over to the sink. The Boy didn’t at any moment want her to feel any pain over this. He wishes that it could be as painless and as accepted for her as it is in his own mind, but he is notably aware that it won’t be. He’s worried that they’ll embarrass themselves in pointless fights and tantrums, just like the parents on the late afternoon True Movies channel C films, so at first he studied them just as intently, to work out how to help them reach mental and spiritual resolution in the course of ninety minutes, but the answer was never substantial and he rapidly became bored with the same orchestral swellings of their tearful yet accepting embraces. The Boy knows that he could not bring himself to suicide when the diagnostic is made. More to the point, for him to reach that pinnacle a specialist would have had to have entered, by which stage his parents will already know. This is why, the central crux, that all elements of possibility must be siphoned away. There can be no doubt in any conclusion, the boy must know before anyone else. His mother stays in her room now anyhow, which removed the push for these thoughts to enter. The Boy can now concentrate with far greater ease, upon the screen and the families tightly bound moments of quiet, restrained dignity.

With the AVI downloaded documentary almost finished, he washes off the last remaining grains of salt under the tap over the sink. While doing so, he thinks that it would be a good idea if he could get hold of some old bones, calf or any other small, domesticated farm animal. He’s aware that though their structures will be different to his own, still he thinks, that to run his fingers over and through the raw marrow, will be an enlightening experience and one that might help him to understand. His research was never one born from fear, hypochondria, or a need to grasp methods of prevention. He simply wants to be ready, to feel it and know it when it’s coming and to experience all of it in perfect beautiful objectivity. He wants to be aware of his accelerated deterioration, to know its shape and focus. The Boy does not want his illness to be something hidden or obscured. The idea that any drop of information may be kept from him throughout the process, in some naïve attempt to spare a young and fragile mind scares him. He wants to know, to really understand. To gauge the effects in difference between methotrexate and 6-mercaptopurine, to view asparaginase and cyclophosphamide as separate islands afloat a great sea of perpetual depth. To be able to recall the name prednisone as the Greek Goddess of which his mind first pictured when he spoke the name alone and silently to himself. As he dries his fingers on the underside of his shirt, he hears the latch to the first lock opening and the ringing of the Father’s voice, as he talks over his shoulder to whoever he’s had in company and brought back home to show the uneven levelling of the passageway from the hall up to the living area. With his bedroom door now closed, the computer remaining on, humming benevolently in the corner, he opens it on an article on genetic mutations in SPRED1 and early signs of predisposition, and the Boy is beautifully calm once more.